The weight of it all
by helveticajones
Summary: Another continuation, this is the best type of therapy. Angela & Jordan pairing; good music, broken hearts, oh the drama.
1. Chapter 1

**AN: Hey, so this my first fan fic, please tell me what you think. It's quite short as I couldn't see past this huge moment. I'm hoping to develop it into a story though so let me know if you've got any plot ideas :) Angela's voice overs are in italics.**

**I own nothing.**

T_here was a small hole in the vinyl, I'd never noticed it before. But now it was like, it called all my attention._

Angela could feel Jordan's eyes watching her but she couldn't bring herself to look up.

_It was as if his stare, like, generated all this pressure. Like looking at his actual face, would be this unbelievable feat._

Jordan shifted nervously in his seat, going over the words he'd tried so hard to remember, tried so hard to think of in the first place. He closed his eyes, in an attempt to somehow create some distance, to be able to think.  
They were parked not too far from the school, he was unsure where he'd wanted to take her, every place just felt so used. He needed somewhere new, somewhere they hadn't experienced yet.  
He opened his eyes and opened his mouth just hoping that the words would come.

"I...I just...I need you to know." His voice felt so disconnected from his mind, like there was this wall.  
Fuck, why is this so hard, he thought.  
"I didn't write that letter." It was barely a whisper. The words just hung there, in this space, in this void that he wanted so much to be closed.

Angela's eyes remained fixed on that small hole, her finger picked at its edges. She was hardly aware that she was in his car, her thoughts pushed madly in her head but refused to be audible.

"I just needed you to...know," Jordan continued, his voice seemed to quiver under the words.

Angela could feel the heat from his presence, it made her head burn, she knew she had to be in this conversation, she needed to respond.  
She managed to breathe out a horse, "why?"

Jordan didn't really know why, all he knew was that he was unable to use his words to ask her forgiveness, they were like not worthy or something. He leant his head back in his seat and closed his eyes.  
"It's like...like I can't," Like what Catalano? Like you can't talk to her? No that's not true, I can, just why not about this?

He decided that any explanation, however unworthy, was better than none.  
"I just needed you to forgive me...cos I'm...sorry..."

Angela's eyes moved from the seat to his knee, she noticed the soft shake that was running through it.  
He's really trying, she thought.  
"You could've said that..."

He shifted closer to her.  
"It was like so much more than that...though."

His eyes were searching what he could see of her face, just wanting her to look up, just wanting this void to be closed.  
Angela slowly lifted her gaze from his knee to his shoulder and gradually to his face. She could see the honesty in his eyes, "so... tell me now."  
Jordan reached his hand over and slowly tucked her hair behind her ear.

"Angela..." he spoke her name softly and delicately. He let his hand continue to caress her face.  
"I'm sorry."

* * *

_There are these times where something can feel like so made up, like you can't bring yourself to be there in case you wreak it.  
Because it's so fragile like even your breath could bring it all down._

Angela held Jordan's gaze, trying to take in his words, trying to process.

His fingers brushed against her lips, her breath hitched. He had kissed her so many times but this felt so much more intimate. He was just there, him, not the fantasy, not the obsession, just him. He moved forward slowly, searching her eyes for any hint of rejection, he kissed her softly letting his mouth linger for only a second but keeping his face just as close.

"Angela?" the warmth of his breath made her head spin, she closed the small distance between them with her own lingering kiss. She felt her eyes sting and let one tear roll silently down her cheek. She felt it drop off and fall down her neck.

"Angela?" he whispered again, "please...tell me."

"I forgive you." The words barely made it out before Jordan was kissing her again. He held her so tight in order to break any existing space between them. He kissed her along her jaw bone and finding the place where the tear had fallen, he moved up the trail it had left on her face, he kissed her eyelids one at a time and let his head come to rest upon her shoulder.

They stayed like that for a while, neither one willing to ruin the moment. Jordan was in total shock, he had always known he'd liked Angela, even though at times he didn't let himself believe that. But it wasn't until that moment that he realized how much he needed her, not just needing to be forgiven, but her. He had told her, told her through his own fumbling words that he was sorry and she accepted him, forgave him.

**So what do you think? I'm struggling to think of an actual plot for this thing, but there feels like there's a huge weight off me now, now that I've resolved that haha.**


	2. Chapter 2

**AN Hey here's my chapter 2, hope you like it :) R&R**

**I own nothing**

Liberty High

Jordan got out of his car and slid round the front to open Angela's door, he leaned on the door as she stepped out neither taking their eyes off each other. He shut the door and they walked slowly towards the school. They weren't holding hands but the connection was still there, each seemed painfully aware of the other and completely unaware of their surroundings.

Rayanne's face grew tighter as she watched them and she felt her throat grow dry. She groaned and dropped onto the steps, unaware that she was also being watched.  
"Hey Graff," Sharon sighed as she went to sit next to her friend. Whoa, _friend_, still can't believe that.  
"Cherski, hey." Rayanne broke out of her melancholy and offered her some candy, Sharon accepted and they both chewed thoughtfully. Sharon could see the melancholy sweeping back over Rayanne. She struggled to think of something to say to draw her back out of it, she toyed just for a second with the idea of letting Rayanne change her hair, but quickly dismissed that.  
"So...I've been thinking, like about Kyle, y'know to like really...end it." Sharon's words had virtually no effect.  
Rayanne groaned again, "I just can't believe, they're like together or something, she's like forgiven _him_."  
"I know," Sharon whispered.

* * *

Angela watched Jordan wander off to home room, she leant back against her locker and let out a loud sigh. They'd spent the entire weekend together, just being together. They'd talked about music and he'd played her different songs that he described as essential. She'd read to him as he'd laid on the trunk of his car. They'd barely made out, barely even touched but they were just together.

She was quickly brought back to reality as she felt a hand grab her and drag her into the girl's bathroom.  
"What is going on?" Ricky practically shouted at her once she was inside.  
"What? Ricky?...what?"  
"Oh you know what." Ricky was pacing madly and waving his arms about, if he wasn't so mad Angela would have found this quite funny.  
"So you just forgave him? Just like that? Back to normal now, not that you were ever really normal, but sill really? How?" Angela grabbed his hand to stop him pacing. She closed her eyes trying to think of her explanation. She knew this conversation would be coming. The truth was that she wasn't really quite sure why she had forgiven him, at the time the moment just seemed so intense, had she just caved? No, she really did forgive him.  
"I don't know..." she said at last. "I think...I think like before I knew that he hadn't written the letter, like when I thought it was from him." She sighed again trying to collect her thoughts.

Ricky calmed down and waited patiently for an explanation. He was unsure if he'd done the right thing in telling her what Brian had done, what Jordan had done. He just didn't want her to be misled, to be tricked and laughed at, no he didn't want her to be the subject of any joke. He'd known that she'd lied when she'd told him that she knew that Brian had written it. He hadn't expected her to run off to Brian but he really hadn't expected her to run back to Jordan. But thinking about it he really wasn't very surprised. Angela loved Jordan but not in a relationship, finish each other's sentences type way, not yet. But in a frantic type of way, in a way that lets you not really see the faults in the other, that lets you dismiss their mistakes.

"It was like he'd broken down that wall I'd put up, like I could see _him_ again. And I did forgive him then, I did, I let it go." She shifted her weight onto her back foot and leant in to the sink. "And maybe...with like...the letter...maybe that's like a new thing? And he did tell me didn't write it and he didn't lead me on and he _did_ tell me he was sorry and oh..." Ricky pulled her into a tight hug.  
"I'm sorry Angela...I just don't want you to be in denial or something."  
"I know," she mumbled into his shoulder.

* * *

Jordan made his way through the obstacle of steel bars underneath the bleachers. He pulled out a cigarette and lit it. He let the smoke fill his lungs as he rested against the cold pole. He couldn't remember what class he was supposed to be in so this seemed a viable alternative. He exhaled and could see Shane making his way towards him. He braced himself for what he was sure was more questions then he'd like, actually no questions would be ideal. Shane had lived across the street from him for most of his life. They'd become friends the day Jordan's dad had locked him out of his house. They held a similar view on most things but what was happening with Jordan was something he was sure Shane wouldn't understand.  
_Hell I don't even understand it._

"Hey." Shane reached his hand to the bar above him and swung his weight off it.  
"Hey," Jordan replied.  
"So, I was thinking..." Jordan shifted his weight preparing for the inquisition.  
"I was thinking," Shane continued, "maybe you should just be the lead singer, so we can just get on with it. Man, I wanna play so bad, I can't wait to get groupies." He punched Jordan in the arm and shut his eyes imagining all the girls crowding around him. Shane had managed to talk Joey out of playing the drums and into playing a six pack instead. Yeah Joey was cheap.  
"What?!" Jordan sounded way more shocked than he'd meant to, "I mean...what?" he said a bit calmer. Shane shrugged his shoulders.  
"C'mon Catalano, you know you can keep tune, just do it," he teased, "you'll see, when we're all famous n shit. _You'll be all like thank you Shane you are so wise_," he did his best Jordan impression which of course sounded nothing like him.  
"Well, yeah I mean, that makes sense," Jordan smiled and punched his friend back. "C'mon, should probably go to class." Jordan couldn't quite work out what just happened, he had been so sure Shane was grill him or at least give him grief over it all, but nothing.  
_Maybe he hadn't noticed anything, far out I thought he was more perceptive than that._  
Jordan couldn't help but feel a bit annoyed by Shane's apparent lack of interest.

_  
__Shit, was it me that wanted to talk about it?_

* * *

Angela heard Jordan slump into the seat behind her. She hadn't looked up as he came into the class room, pretending to be to interested in her work. But her face still burned all the same.

"Hey," his breath tickled her ear as he'd leant forward to speak to her.  
"Hey," she whispered back. She heard him sink back into his chair. Angela tried to focus on the work in front of her, on what Mr Katimski was saying, on anything else. She gave up and succumbed to her thoughts.

The bell rung to signal the end of class, but Angela didn't notice.  
"Thinking about me?" Jordan's voice brought her back to reality, he was leaning on her desk only inches from her face.  
"Would you like a ride home?" She smiled and nodded.

**I'm sure these will get longer as I get more in the flow :)**


	3. Chapter 3

**AN Heres number 3, I'm making up for the shortness of these chapters by posting them quickly ;)  
R&R**

**I own nothing **

_Why is it that when one part of your life is finally happening that the rest just falls down?  
It's like your emotions aren't speaking anymore. Or when they do they like can't decide, like... how to feel._

Angela could see Brian riding in circles outside her house. She knew she had to try and face the gravity of what was happening with them. Part of her wished that he would just disappear or maybe that she would.

She groaned and walked down her stairs and out onto the street. He pretended not see her but he stopped riding all the same. Angela shut her eyes and wished with all her might that either of them were anywhere else. She opened them again to see him still slumped over the handle bars with his back to her.

"Brian?" She approached him slowly, her arms hugging herself nervously. "Can we like talk?" She put her hand on the handle bar and he looked up, she could see that his eyes were glassy, as if he'd been or was about to cry. It was all she could do not to turn around and face him another time.

"Why?" he said at last, she recognized in his voice the same hoarseness that had been in hers those few nights earlier.

"So I guess you're like with _him_...or whatever."

"Brian," she said again, "I don't know...it's not like _that_." She wasn't really sure what it was like, they hadn't said they were back together but can that like go unspoken?

"Well...whatever...I have like homework...so..." He straightened up ready to ride away but she continued to hold on to his bike essentially blocking his escape route.

"What?...What do you want me to say? Do you expect me to just pour my heart out...like right here? Like on the street?"

"What? No...I mean...I don't know." She let out another groan. What did she want him to say? That he loved her? That he obsessed over her? God no.

_I think I finally understand the expression "like pulling teeth."_

"Look...I just want you to know...I just." She bit down on her lip, "can we...are we...still friends?"

"Friends?! We haven't been _friends_ in a long time Angela. You like decided that ages ago...so." He was practically yelling at her.

"What? What do you want from me? I mean I know what you want from me. But c'mon Brian we're not like that, I mean I'm not...I mean I don't," she groaned again, "you infuriate me Krakow." She let go of his bike wishing him gone once more.

"Well just so you know...you can't like borrow my bike again." He turned his eyes down trying to just stare hard enough into his shoe so that she would just go and he wouldn't notice. He heard the gravel crunch under her boots as she turned and walked away.

So that was like _that_, he thought.

* * *

Angela slumped over the kitchen counter, still running the conversation over in her mind.

_The fact that I have to think this hard over Brian Krakow is like beyond ridiculous. _

She heard the front door open and knew her mother was home.

"Hey Angela, honey," Patty bustled into the kitchen her arms full of groceries, "can you give me a hand with these?" Angela took a bag from her mother and started unpacking the contents into the fridge.

"So your Father, he won't be home for dinner.."

"What again?" Angela exclaimed.

"Well this stuff," referring to the restaurant, "is very time consuming." Patty looked as if she was telling herself as much as Angela. "So, I finally met Jordan," she mused, changing the subject.

"Yeah, he mentioned something about that." Angela lifted herself up so she was sitting on the counter.

"So..." Patty leaned over next to her daughter, "is everything going good?"

"Mom...can we not talk about this, it's like personal."

"Well...I'm sorry," Patty went back to putting the groceries away, "but I must say Angela," she paused and looked at her daughter, "I like him," she smiled. Angela was unsure of what she was supposed to do with this information. The fact that her mother had an actual opinion about Jordan Catalano and that it wasn't too far from her own was just too weird.

"I've got homework...so," she kissed her mother on the cheek and headed up to her room.

* * *

Angela grabbed her walkman off her dresser and put in the tape that Jordan had given her, he'd described as so good it was just painful and as the sound of Jeff Buckley ran through her ears she understood what he'd meant. She stretched out upon her bed and let the music swell in her head, it carried her mind away and before long she was asleep.

She awoke some time later to the sound of chink at her window, she thought maybe she'd dreamt it but then it sounded again. She pulled the headphones from her ears and walked over to her window. She let out a small gasp as she looked down at the source of the noise, Jordan was standing beneath her window beckoning her to come down. She smiled and let the curtain fall back into place.

The house was dark as she edged her way through it, she wasn't sure of the time not knowing how long she'd been asleep but the stillness of the house told her that it must be quite late. She reached the kitchen door, slowly turned the handle and stepped outside.

The night was cooler than she thought it would be and as the moisture of the ground seeped into her socks a shiver ran down her spine. Jordan was leaning against the house, smiling quietly to himself as he watched her walk towards him. As she reached him he pulled her around so that she lent against the house with his body weighing against her.

"Hey," he whispered and drew her into a deep kiss. Angela wondered if her mother would still like him if she could see what they were doing. She smiled to herself and Jordan pulled back a bit.

"What?" he whispered.

"Nothin," she continued to smile, "so...what's new with you?"

He leant in to quickly kiss her again, "we just had the most amazing practice, we just like flowed or something."

"That's really great," she could see how happy this was making him and that he wanted to share it with her made her equally as happy.

"It's all just like perfect, y'know?" he said while toying with a piece of her hair.

"Yeah," she whispered knowing she wasn't talking about the band.

**She was listening to Jeff Buckley's album Grace which was released in 1994.**


	4. Chapter 4

**AN: Woot longest one so far :) This one was a lot more tricky cos hey I'm starting to develop a plot or something.  
Please R&R**

**update: bah I keep finding mistakes in this, no more writing at 3am for me.**

**I own nothing. **

"Angela, Jordan's here," Patty yelled up the stairs to her seemingly absent child. Jordan shuffled in the doorway unsure if he should come in.

"So," Patty put her hands on her hips and smiled warmly towards him, "what's new with you?"

Jordan recognized her words and smiled to himself. "Not much," he pushed his weight against the door frame, "hey, thanks for the milk and uh stuff."

"Any time." Patty turned towards the sound of stomping coming down the stairs.

Angela paused slightly at the sight of her mother conversing with Jordan Catalano, she then continued to run past her yelling, "Bye!" as she grabbed Jordan's hand and led him to his car.

"Bye," Patty said to herself. She sighed and looked around the empty house, "Bye," she said again taking her coat off the rack and heading for the door.

* * *

Jordan pulled into the school car park and headed for his usual space. He cut the engine and turned to look at Angela, she moved to get out of the car but he grabbed her hand pulling her back into her seat.

"Just wait a sec," he smiled at her.

"We're already running late," she said not really knowing how much she cared.

"And whose fault is that?" he teased. "I just need to tell you something."

"What? Did Tino leave the band again?" she remembered having been let down by a similar conversation.

"Huh? Tino's not in Residue," he pulled her closer to him, "I just want to make it...y'know official." He ran his fingers through her hair, "If you like...want to?"

_I guess it does need to be spoken._

Angela smiled back at him and answered with a very affirming kiss. He kissed her back and then broke it with a laugh, "We're running late."

Angela groaned and jabbed him playfully in the ribs.

* * *

"Catalano!" Shane yelled as he hurled him the basketball, "Heads up."

Jordan laughed and caught the ball, "You're dead Roberts." He continued to duck past Shane and shoot the ball into the hoop.

"Whatever," Shane coughed and Jordan punched him in the arm. "So, we got practice tonight or what?"

"Yeah, sounds good," Jordan scuffed his foot up against the wall, "hey I might like bring someone."

"Yeah, people always wanna go there."

Jordan stared hard at his friend.

"Oh," Shane smiled, "you're gonna bring a girl?"

"You seriously aren't this dumb man."

"Heh," Shane snorted, "I didn't like wanna crowd you or something."

"What? Since when?"

"Well, I can see that you're pretty into her, I just didn't want to make it like hard for you," Shane grinned to himself, "well _harder_ than _she's_ making it for you," he laughed and Jordan threw the basketball at him.

Jordan had already gotten past worrying what his friends thought of him and Angela but it was still incredibly hard to imagine those two worlds combining. Most of his friends wouldn't get her, they'd just call her weird and wished she wore tighter stuff. Sometimes he had the same wish. Then there was like her being with them, seeing them, he didn't want her to judge them but at the same time feared she would just lump him in with them. He was sick of being seen like that, he'd wanted more, wasn't that even what had made him see _her_ in the first place? _Fuck, this is a bad idea. _

Jordan caught up with Shane as he was heading for the bleachers.

"So...what do you think?"

"About what?" Shane responded. Jordan shot him an irritated look. "Oh about that."

"Yeah do you think...I can...I mean...fuck I don't wanna hurt her again."

Shane could see how hard it was for him to say this so he thought better about making any more jokes.

"Well,...I can't say I understand it much, I mean she gets you all tortured and she's not even giving anything away," he passed Jordan a cigarette, "but I mean if you want it, I've seen you deal with some crazy stuff and hey you're still here...so do you want to hug it out?" He couldn't help injecting some humor into all the seriousness.

"Shut up," Jordan smiled.

* * *

Angela barged her way into the girl's bathroom, only to be met by the sight of Rayanne Graff and Sharon Cherski, in what seemed like an intense conversation. Angela quickly stepped into one of the stalls so they wouldn't see her. She still had no idea how to deal with Rayanne, was she supposed to yell at her or cry every time she saw her, it did feel like she was capable of that.

_If I still care this much, does it mean I still like care?_

"So, what are you going to do?" she heard Sharon ask Rayanne.

"Do_ I_ have to do anything?"

"So, that's your like solution? Do nothing?" Sharon sounded skeptical, "What if he like..._wants_ to see you again?"

"God Cherski, I _have_ been alone with men before, I know all about the thunder down under, trust me."

"Yeah...okay?"

Angela heard them leave and peeked out to see if the coast was clear. She wondered if she should be concerned, and if Rayanne had really just been asking _Sharon_ for sex advice? She felt like such a fool hiding from the two girls who were supposed to love her the most.

Angela walked out into the corridor feeling incredibly unsettled. She spied Ricky and Delia standing near her locker. They were in fits of giggles over something.

"What's going on?" she asked, shoving her books away.

"Oh Angela, just oh," Ricky burst into laughter again, "you tell her," he motioned to Delia.

"Well, we were just in Bio," Delia tried to compose herself, "and Ms Chavatal asked Cynthia Hargrove to..." and she erupted into giggles again.

"It's okay...you don't have to tell me." Angela leant back against her locker.

_How was I suddenly a spectator to everyone else's conversations?_

"I have English so..."

* * *

Jordan kicked his cigarette out with his foot, "I should get to Katimski's."

"See look how much you've changed already," Shane grinned at him and leant back against a pole in order to say that he had no intention of following him.

Jordan made his way back towards the building somewhat surprised by the apparent support offered by his friend. He made a conscience decision not to fall asleep during English.

* * *

Angela slumped over her desk and tried to listen to Mr Katimski explain their next assignment. She felt Jordan kick the leg of her chair, she looked at him and he made a motion with his eyes that seemed to say, "Hey pay attention."

_This whole day is like one long thing that makes no sense._

"Okay...so does everyone understand?" asked Mr Katimski, "I want these done....by the end of next week. Oh and don't forget..._Our Town_ starts this Thursday night, so I expect you all to be there." The bell sounded as he was speaking and the students all piled madly out.

"What are we supposed to do?" She asked Jordan as they headed out to his car.

"Hey, you're supposed to explain it to me," he joked and hugged her shoulders, "it's okay, I'll help you," he said kissing the top of her head.

She groaned, "I think I need to start today again, maybe I forgot to pick up my dignity when I picked up my books."

Jordan thought for a moment that she was referring to what happened this morning.

"Just there was this thing with Rayanne and then with Ricky and now I've got to do some assignment I know nothing about."

"It's the future," he smiled.

"What's the future?"

"The assignment, we've got to write about how we might change or how the world could like change."

"Oh," she said as he opened the car door for her.

"So, I was thinking," he said as he started the car, "would you like to come with me to practice tonight?"

"Yeah, that sounds really good," she put her hand on his knee, "but maybe you should ask my mother, since you're you know, so close." He enclosed his hand around hers and squeezed it.

"Will there be food?"


	5. Chapter 5

**AN: Here's another shorty for muh shorties...sorry. This seriously has taken me so long to write, I just need to release it into cyberland already. Thanks for reading! Please review :)**

**I own not a thing.**

Angela looked up from her geometry homework, which had been her mother's prerequisite for letting her out of the house, and studied Jordan as he played.

_When you see somebody making music, like with their hands, it can feel like you've invaded their personal space. Like you accidentally found their diary or overheard a private conversation or something but the difference is that they want you to hear it._

The band had just finished their cover of _Sedated_ and were working out some of the riffs to a Pixies song that Angela didn't recognize. Jordan had been right, they were just flowing. She descended her gaze and tried to focus on her text book. She was sitting by herself on the floor, she didn't particularly want to be on her own but she wasn't sure how to _be_ around all these people. There were a few girls from school that she recognized but had never spoken to and a few guys she'd never seen before. Did Jordan expect her to get to know these people? She wished that Rayanne was there just so she didn't have to break any ice, she then thought about her _actually_ being there and decided that she'd rather be on her own.

"Hey," Jordan sat down in front of her.

"Hey," she smiled and fidgeted with the corner of her book, "you guys are sounding really good."

"You think?" he asked, rubbing his thumb over her hand.

"Well,...I didn't get to hear you like before...so I can't compare," her fingers left her book and tugged at the edge of his sleeve, "but I really like it."

"Thanks," he smiled and leant in to kiss her.

"Hey Catalano, c'mon lets do this!" she heard one of the guys yell.

"I better..." he motioned his head back towards the band.

"Yeah," she sighed.

"Hey, if you're not going to focus I won't let you bring your friend next time," Shane said in his best teacher voice.

"Whatever," Jordan smiled, "so what should we do now?"

"Hey, lets do that new one you wrote."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah, that's like so fun to play," Shane sat back down behind his kit and started to punch out the opening drum beat.

"Heh, okay," Jordan shot Angela a quick glance and strapped on his guitar, "lets go." He counted them off and the band broke out into a fast punk sound with Jordan almost yelling over the top.

Angela tried to make out what he was saying but the band was too loud. She could hear something about taking or finding. She gave up trying to hear the words and just enjoyed the energy of the music. Shane seemed to be having a blast he even chucked one of his sticks in the air but that move did cost him the beat for a second. She could see Ralph the bass player yelling along with Jordan in parts but she couldn't hear him either. Jordan looked amazing he was so lost in it all, his face pulled all these intense expressions and his fingers flew across the strings. The band backed off towards the end and Angela could hear him sing.

I took what I could find /

I held back what they could see /

The scraps that fell between the seats /

Had all been meant for me //

It was all really something to behold.

* * *

Jordan was buzzing as he walked her over to his car, "Tino thinks he can get us on this show that's happening at Pike Street." He leant her up against the door.

"That...sounds really great," she could never think straight when he did this.

"Yeah...the lineup's mostly local stuff but he says there might be some up state bands too," he leant in so he was almost kissing her. "Thanks for coming," he whispered.

"No sweat," her voice was tiny. He pressed his mouth against hers and parted her lips with his tongue. Angela felt her knees go weak.

"So," he murmured, "did you finish your homework?" he continued to kiss her face and along her jawbone.

"Some," she breathed.

"Angela..." he tried to sound stern, "what if they don't let you back out again?" He kissed her again before she could respond. He opened the door behind her and guided her into the car without breaking the kiss. He pushed her down into the seat weighing his body on top of her. He continued to kiss down her neck and let his hands wander around her belt.

"Jordan," she gasped, "time...time out."

"Sorry," he said pulling back and sitting on the edge of the seat. He had his back to her and was pushing against the curb with his feet. "I guess you're still gonna make me like _wait_ or something," the words sounded more sharp than he'd meant them to. He turned around to look at her and could see the hurt he had caused. "Sorry, it's okay, I mean I can wait or whatever," he chewed on his thumb, "okay?"

She offered him a small smile. Jordan sighed and walked round to the driver's side, he kicked the car into gear and drove off. They sat there in uncomfortable silence, Jordan reached down and flicked on the radio. Angela tried hard to think of something to break her out of her thoughts, she didn't want to have this fight with him again but she didn't want to shut him out either.

"Who's this?" she asked motioning to the radio.

"Uh...they're called Dinosaur Jr," he mumbled.

"I like them...maybe you could do one of their songs."

"Yeah maybe....they're kind of _complicated_."

Jordan couldn't understand why she still wouldn't talk to him about it, it's obvious she thinks about it too. He didn't even care so much about the sex or the no sex or whatever, he just wanted her to talk to him. He'd tried, he'd apologized, but she'd just shut down and talked about the radio. They'd talked about it before but that was followed by them breaking up. He shouldn't have to push her that far, so that she said all her thoughts through grief and anger.

_I can't handle this._

They remained in silence as they pulled up to Angela's house. Jordan didn't turn the engine off making it clear he wasn't going to stick around.

"Um," Angela self consciously tucked her hair behind her ear, she wasn't sure what she wanted to say, how were they back _here_ again? "So, I should probably...go."

"So go," he muttered staring through the windshield.

She got out and shut the door, the car idled a bit and he started to drive away. Angela could feel her face starting to collapse, she hugged herself and tried to fight back the oncoming tears. This can't really be happening again. What was she supposed to tell him? That she still wasn't ready that she had no idea what being _ready_ would feel like. Like would somebody notify you, like in the mail? It didn't matter anyway, he'd left, he'd left her again. She felt the tears start to fall.

_How did we even have this fight? But it's like a fight without words, can you have those? Jordan Catalano can do almost anything without words. It was like me, that couldn't speak, what I ask about some stupid song? What if that's what he'll remember about me, that I didn't know who Dinosaur Jr. was? I mean who names their band after a dinosaur anyway? I am going insane, nobody should be thinking this much._

She heard a car brake further up the road and the sound of a door opening and closing. She looked up and saw Jordan heading towards her. He didn't stop once he reached her he just pulled her into himself.

"Lets not do this again," he said, "just talk to me Ange, please." Angela was vaguely aware that he had just called her "Ange." She wrapped her arms around him, and buried her face into his jacket.

"You came back," she mumbled into his shoulder.

"Yeah, I guess I did."

**OK so:**

**Dude I named dropped like crazy there.**

**Sedated by The Ramones**

**Head on by The Pixies (seriously watch the end of **_**On the Wagon**_**, and then listen to this song, it'd been so good)**

**The song Jordan wrote is ahem made up by me, I wasn't sure about putting in a punk sound but I thought it was a logical place for the band to start writing. **

**Dinosaur Jr are cited as one of the most influential bands in the indie rock genre, the song on the radio was called **_**Get Me**_** from their 93 album **_**Where You Been**_**. Recommend googling the lyrics. **

**Also how funny is it that the whiny bass player in his band is named Ralph?**


	6. Chapter 6

**AN: Thanks so much to everyone who's reviewed, it's incredibly encouraging. I've been spoiling you with all my quick updates (you think I have no life right?...I do I've just been ignoring it) I've got some major work to do this week so there might be more than a day's wait for the next chapter ;)**

**Please R&R **

**I own nothing.**

"So...how's everything going," Ricky looked up from his magazine, "with Jordan Catalano?"

_How's everything going with Jordan Catalano? The amazing thing was that things were actually going..._

"Really...well really good," Angela sighed and collapsed back into her bed.

"Yeah?"

"Yeah," she rolled onto her side, "I mean, we liked talked...I mean it's not like we haven't _talked_ before, but there's like talking and then there's..._talking_."

"That's really great," Ricky smiled and continued to flick through the magazine.

"So," Angela giggled and rolled into him, "what's new with you?"

Ricky blushed, "What? What have you heard?"

"She's really cute _and_ she seems to really like you."

"I know...but I just also don't know," he said putting down the magazine and staring at the wall, "I mean sometimes I try really hard to like have these feelings that I'm...like _supposed_ to have..."

"Hey, Ricky," Angela said softly kissing him on the cheek, "you're not _supposed_ to have to do anything."

He sighed and they remained in silence for a few minutes.

"So what's the deal with Rayanne?"

"What?" Ricky coughed.

"What not that like I care or anything...because I don't...care that is," Angela sat back up on the bed, "but is she...you know okay?"

"Well, I know she won't admit it but she really misses you."

"Yeah, I know but is there anything else...going on?"

Ricky's eyes narrowed, "What did you hear?"

"Nothing...I just kind of overheard her talking to Sharon and they seemed all serious or something."

Ricky sighed and sat back up, "Well, if you're talking about what I think you're talking about, well I'm not sure if it's my place to say."

Angela's eyes widened, "So something is going on?" She tucked her hair behind her ear and looked up at Ricky, "Is she okay?"

He reached over and squeezed her hand, "I think so, she's just in new territory that's all."

* * *

"So, Dad's not home again?" Angela asked as she reached for a piece of cheese, Patty smacked her hand away.

"Angela..." she tried to sound cross but sighed and shook her head.

"He hasn't forgotten where we live has he?" snatching the cheese back.

"He's just...busy," Patty sighed again and returned to cooking dinner, "he's got responsibilities, I _think_ he said he was interviewing potential staff today."

"So where is he tonight?" she chewed thoughtfully on the cheese.

Patty reached over to grab the jar of pasta sauce but she missed and it smashed onto the floor. She bent down to pick up the broken glass, "Ow!" Patty exclaimed and stuck her finger in her mouth.

"Are you okay Mom?"

Patty looked up at her daughter, "No," she mouthed as tears started to fall down her face.

"Mom!" Angela joined her mother on the floor and wrapped her arms around her. "Mom, it's okay."

Patty buried her face into Angela's shirt, "Watch...out for glass," she said through the dry breaths.

They heard the front door open and they held their breath. Angela could feel the blood pulsing in her veins.

"Mom! I'm home," they heard Danielle shout, "Mrs Kryzanowski dropped me off!"

They both sighed, Patty wiped her eyes and started to get back up, "Hi honey!" her voice was still cracked but she managed to force her smile over it.

"Hey," Danielle barged into the kitchen, "we almost won the game today, we were..." she stopped at the sight of Angela, "Why are you sitting on the floor covered in sauce?"

"Hey Danielle," Angela breathed.

"But what..." Danielle started to ask again but Patty herded her into the living room, "You're so weird!"

Angela sat there for a while longer. _What was that?_

* * *

"Hey Brain," Jordan said as he sat down across from Brian. They hadn't had another tutoring session since the whole letter deal and Jordan was hoping they could just put it behind them.

"Look, I mean hey, I mean look I can't do this anymore," Brian began to ramble.

"Do what?"

"This," Brian motioned to the two of them.

"Huh," Jordan sat back in his seat and chewed his thumb. "Did you ever call that girl?"

"What? Why are you asking me that?"

Jordan shrugged his shoulders.

"Well, I told you like _before_, that she's a junior, so..." Brian fidgeted in his seat.

"So? Doesn't mean she's not into you."

"Wh-what? How can you possibly know _that_?"

Jordan motioned with his head towards the front of the room, Brian turned around and caught the girl quickly taking her eyes off them. He started to rethink the whole "ending it" plan. "You got your books?"

Jordan smiled and chucked his work on the desk.

* * *

Angela leant against the lockers as Jordan opened hers and handed her the books for her next class. What was happening to her family? Her dad was barely home and her mother...her mother, how could _he_ do that to her? Angela couldn't get the image of her mother crying in the pasta sauce out of her head, her mother didn't cry, she was the one that cried, that cried about everything.

She could see Rayanne walking towards the girl's room, her hair was plain and fell straight down her back, Angela couldn't remember if she'd ever seen her look like that before. She suddenly looked so small, so far away. Rayanne looked up as if she could sense Angela's stare but instead of looking away both girls held their gaze.

"So do you want me to go to that play thing with you?"

"Huh?" Jordan broke her concentration and her eyes fell on his face. She looked back over to Rayanne but she was gone.

"The _Our Town_ thing"

"Oh yeah...if you want to?"

"Do we get like extra marks or something?"

Angela smiled at him, "You want extra credit?"

"Well, it all helps doesn't it?" he smiled back at her.

"Yeah it does...but I don't think you get it by going to the play."

"Oh."

"So you don't have to come with me."

"No...I will," he smiled and kissed her. "So how do you get that extra credit thing?"

* * *

Angela watched her mother from the top of the stairs, her attention seemed to be divided between watching the TV and watching the phone, as if either of them held some awful truth. How would she handle it, if he just didn't come back? She thought about the last time she had seen her dad. It would've been the morning before last, he had been heading to the restaurant and couldn't find some folder he needed. Her mother had just handed it to him, he had said _thanks_ but he didn't kiss her goodbye, he barely looked her in the eye.

She heard the doorbell sound and knew that it would be Jordan. She couldn't work out why he'd wanted to take her to the play, it didn't seem the kind of thing that would hold his interest. The doorbell sounded again, her mother didn't seem capable of moving to answer it. Angela got up and wandered down the stairs.

She held Jordan's hand as they shuffled into the crowded auditorium, her emotions were at war again and she wasn't sure if she felt excitement or dread. It was exciting that Jordan wanted to be there, it was exciting to see her peers perform but it was dreadful to think of seeing Rayanne act like _her_ for the next hour.

"We can always go...if you get bored or something," she said to Jordan as they sat down.

"I can think of better things to do in the dark...if I'm you know _bored_," he whispered.

"Jordan," she hissed, "I'm not making out with you in front of all these _parents_."

"We could like _inspire_ them or something," he breathed into her ear.

"Shut up," she said and slapped his arm, "it's about to start."

He leaned back into his chair with a satisfied smile.

Abyssinia walked out on to the stage and the play began. Angela sunk down into her seat and let the story absorb her. She stifled a breath as Rayanne came onto the stage, she looked so similar to what she had that day. Her hair was plain but now her clothes were plainer, she shifted her weight anxiously and hugged herself. She seemed so fragile like she needed protecting from...like life. When she spoke her words were soft but seemed to hold an intense weight.

_My, isn't the moonlight terrible._

All her fears about seeing Rayanne had vanished, she didn't see Rayanne there at all, it was as if she were watching herself. She was barely aware that Jordan let go of her hand. _Is this like how I am?_

When it was over she let out a loud sigh.

"Huh?" She heard Jordan mumble. She looked over to see him opening his eyes, as the applause started. He stretched and gave her a sleepy smile.

They headed out towards the exit, Angela grabbed Jordan's hand, "I'll meet you at the car I've just got to go find Ricky."

"Okay," he mumbled.

Angela pushed her way through the crowd and to the back of the stage, she spied Ricky talking and laughing with Delia.

"Ricky," she hugged him, "that was amazing!"

"It was, wasn't it?" hugging her back, "Look at me, I can't stop shaking. I was so nervous for everyone."

Angela saw Rayanne over his shoulder, she didn't know if she should go and congratulate her or not. She noticed Amber standing there beaming and there was a man she'd never seen before with her. She watched as the man awkwardly patted Rayanne on the back.

"Is that Rusty?" She asked motioning to the man.

"Um...no," Ricky mumbled, "that's her dad."


	7. Chapter 7

**AN: Okay, so I got my work done relatively quickly and then got to write this. I wrote the 2nd half a while ago but wasn't sure where to stick it but I think it works well here but yeah it's way longer than normal. R&R**

**Update: I just redid most of the 2nd half, rewrote the song and stacks more. It wasn't sitting well with me, I think it's all a bit more Jordan now, I hope you agree.**

**I own nothing**

_The future, what does that even mean? It's like so close and at the same time so far away, it comes whether you want it to or not. For so long Jordan Catalano was the only future I could see and now I have him, and in a way I will always have him and he will always have me. He will always exist to me in some way whether it's my future, my present or my past. _

_People always say things like, "Live in the moment," like a moment is a somewhere you could actually live. When if you really think about it you can only hold it for a like second until you're remembering it in your past or longing for something to replace it in your future. Right now, or at least what I perceive to be now, I feel like I am standing in the eye of a storm. I have all these things rushing around me and to just reach out to touch one would suck me into the chaos. Yet I can't stay still because the spot where I'm standing is becoming smaller and soon the edges of everything will fall on me and force me to live. _

_In the future, I might lose my family, I might actually have sex, I might forgive my best friend, I might be able handle everything or I might lose it all. _

Angela looked up from what she wrote and chewed on the end of her pen.

_The thought of handing over this small piece of truth to somebody you barely know is sort of liberating, like they could know you in some really real way and yet still not know you at all. But it's also terrifying._

She folded up the bit of paper and put in her drawer and then went back to writing what she thought she was supposed to say.

* * *

Jordan sat on the end of his bed, he knew his old man wouldn't be back tonight, not that they had much to do with each other anyway they kind of just lived in silence, but whenever he was gone it seemed to make the house feel calmer. He picked up his old acoustic guitar that was resting next to him and started to strum the opening bars to a Dinosaur Jr. song. He wondered if Angela might like it and as his thoughts started to drift absently towards her the music started to change. He thought about how he used to feel _before_ her, it had been as if he'd had no connections to anything. He liked it that way he liked feeling that if he could just get in his car and drive everything would just start to change, his life would take a new course. Now he felt tied to this spot, to where she was, it didn't feel bad it was just different. His life had started to take a new course and it was mostly because of _her_.

* * *

Angela pushed her way into the classroom and took her usual seat next to Jordan.

"Okay, do I have everybody's papers? Angela?"

"Oh, here," Angela handed Mr Katimski her assignment.

"Good. So now that I've made you all...think about this. I'm going to make you do them again," Mr Katimski announced and the students all groaned. "Oh come on don't be like that. How many...of you actually wrote down what you _really_ think will happen?" Brian cautiously started to lift his hand. "That's what I thought. Okay what I didn't tell you before was, I'm not actually going to read them."

"So, what why do we have to write them?" Brian interrupted.

"For _you_," he smiled at the class, "I'm going to keep them and then when you graduate you'll get them back."

"How do we get marked, th-then?" Brian interrupted again.

"By _doing_ it. Gee Whizz easiest grade you'll get all year." He put his arms in the air, "So go on write, write what you want to happen, what you think will really happen, what you never want to happen, just _write_."

Angela stared at the paper in front of her and chewed thoughtfully on her pen, out of the corner of her eye she could see Jordan writing and she wished she could somehow see what it was. What did he think was going to happen, what was going to happen with _them_? She looked back down at her paper and let all her thoughts push down upon her. Rayanne, Jordan, her dad it all whirred madly in her head. She felt herself being sucked into the storm again. She bit down on her lip and tried to make it all stay still, she didn't feel ready for any of it but none of these thoughts seemed to care. She finally gave in and wrote down the one thing she could think of.

_I want to live. _

She sighed and brought her head down onto her desk, she studied the grooves of the desk with her fingers and enjoyed the silence. Soon her thoughts returned but they seemed quieter, less scary, less foreign. She let her mind drift to its favorite subject.

She heard the bell sound and felt familiar hands upon hers, she smiled up at him. How can another person effect you like this? They aren't doing anything, they're just being themselves, just being alive.

_Do I love Jordan Catalano based upon the fact that he exists? If he didn't exist would I realize that something was missing, like from the world? _

She handed her paper in with the rest of the class and walked out the door.

"So, what did you write?" she tried to ask Jordan casually as they walked down the steps.

"Oh you know, just mostly about the band and stuff," he responded just as casually.

_Stuff? What stuff? Us stuff?_

"What did _you_ write?" he asked squeezing her hand.

"Uh you know just _stuff_," she blushed as she realized the depth of what she'd asked him, if she wasn't ready to really tell him she couldn't expect him to be so forthcoming.

Angela caught a flash of Rayanne over Jordan's shoulder, she decided that if all of this was coming to her anyway she may as well meet it half way. She reached up and kissed Jordan, "I'll be there in a sec." She headed in the direction that Rayanne had gone.

She saw her standing just outside the school gate, Angela bit down on her lip and tried to hold her determination. She wasn't sure what she wanted to say, she wasn't sure why she was the one breaking their silence but she just felt she needed to make some kind of contact.

"Hey," Rayanne's hair was back to it's chaotic self and she stood in her usual fidgety way. She jumped slightly at the sound of Angela's voice.

"Hey," she said trying to sound uninterested.

Angela tucked her hair nervously behind her ear, "I just wanted to say, you were really great, at the uh play, really."

Rayanne's composure seemed to fluctuate between almost smiling and almost crying, "Thanks, so where's Catalano?" her voice hitched slightly as she said his name.

"Rayanne..." Angela felt her breath catch and she dug her hands into her sides.

"Well, you two have been like welded together for like weeks, so."

"You can't ask me that," Angela whispered, "not yet."

"Oh...hey um Angela," Rayanne's voice started to crack, "do you ever think that um..." she tugged at her sleeve and lifted her bag higher onto her shoulder. "Sorry," her voice was barely audible, "sorry, really really sorry."

Angela felt her throat grow dry and her eyes start to sting, "Uhuh," she nodded her head. Neither made a move towards the other they just stood there each shaking in the emotion. A car pulled up to the curb, Angela recognized the man from the play. Rayanne looked up at her and tried to force a smile. She shifted her weight nervously and almost reached out to touch Angela's hand but she thought better of it and moved towards the car. Angela watched the car pull away, as it turned the corner her lips trembled and she collapsed onto the pavement, the tears flowed freely down her face. She felt arms wrap around her and recognized the smell of his jacket. He kissed the top of her head. They didn't say anything, he just held her.

* * *

Angela was curled up on one of the couches in the loft, the thoughts of her day still echoed in her head. Had she done the right thing? Should she have just forgotten all about Rayanne, just erased her from her life? That didn't seem like a very possible option but what was supposed to happen now? She still couldn't visualize being friends with Rayanne again but maybe some of the hurt would heal, maybe.

She was half listening as Jordan worked on one of his songs. She loved how he created, how he could just put down what he was feeling, like it made it tangible or something. Maybe things made more sense to him that way. She wondered if he ever wrote about her and her face burned as she remembered thinking that _Red_ had been about her. She grimaced to herself not wanting to make the same mistake again.

She looked up as she realized that the gentle strumming had stopped. He was gazing at her and she felt her face burn even more.

"Wanna hear it?" he asked her gently but with a distinct undertone of pride.

She nodded her head and sat up to be his only audience.

He smiled and started to strum his guitar again.

Angela could feel each note in her mind, as if it was connected to a specific thought. She closed her eyes trying to take in the music he was making but without the distraction of him. She soon reversed that decision. Jordan's eyes were shut yet his face didn't look absent. His fingers tensed over the strings, manipulating them to the sound he wanted. He opened his mouth and his voice husked over the music.

There's something here that brings me back again /  
something here that makes me stay /

I told them it was nothing /  
I said I didn't care /  
but something brought me back again /  
and I needed her to stay //

He continued to play the melody over again.

He put his guitar down and stared at his feet, "That's all I've got so far." The confidence seemed to have left his voice. Angela stared up at him trying to work out what he'd meant by his words. Was she the 'something'?

"It's really good" she spoke gently to him.

He looked up at her and a small smile made it past his lips.

"It was wonderful," she smiled back at him. His smile grew wider as he crossed the small space between them drawing her into an intense kiss. She ran her fingers through his hair and tried to hug him with her whole body. He pressed back against her and moved his hands down her back rubbing where her shirt met her jeans. He lifted it up slowly and let his hands explore her back. He was waiting for her to stop him but the tiny moan that escaped her lips told him that she wasn't going to. He pushed her back onto the couch and leaned in on top of her. She bit down on his bottom lip and he tried his best not to explode. He drew his hand over her cheek and let his finger drag down her neck, he felt her body quiver as he grazed her breast.

"Angela," he breathed, "you're killing me you know." He pushed himself off her and took in her form as she laid out in front of him. He knew he could've gone further, he couldn't believe he'd actually stopped but he also knew she wasn't ready, not yet. Angela opened her eyes and smiled back up at him.

"Sorry," she whispered.

"I think I should sing to you more often," he teased.

"Was it... What was it about?" She braced herself not wanting to read anything into it that wasn't there.

"I thought....that was obvious," he pulled her up so they were both sitting on the couch, he kissed her again trying to tell her but without really telling her; just how he felt.

Angela leant against his chest and could hear the faint thud of his heart, she felt connected to him. She thought about the song about his words; how they were able to just hang there as if they had their own existence. She wondered what it would feel like to create something like that, something another person could carry inside them.

"I wish I could do that," she sighed.

"Do what?"

"Um, well like what you can do." She hadn't meant for her thoughts to become audible, she felt her cheeks burn.

"So, do it."

"Jordan," she sighed, "I can't sing."

He pulled her into another kiss. "Well, how about, you write and I'll sing."

"What? Really?"

He lifted up her chin so could see her face, he thought about the words that could come out of her and all the words that already did. He felt fascinated yet uneasy to experience the weight of what she could create.

"But what if people, like hear it?"

He smiled at her.

* * *

**The song Jordan played at the start was **_**Sideways - Dinosaur Jr**_**.**


	8. Chapter 8

**AN: Hey peeps! Sorry this has taken a while to come out, I've got the next chapter lined up to go though. Thanks so much to all the encouraging reviews! **

**Also thanks hugely to lovejordan for being my beta!**

**R&R I don't own MSCL (although I'd take Jordan home with me if I did)**

Rayanne hoisted herself up onto the brick wall; she took out a pen and absently scribbled on her shoe. She could see Angela and Jordan talking near his car, they seemed to be happy and it made her feel like being sick but at the same time also like doing a cheer. She noticed how, as Angela was talking, Jordan seemed to find small ways to touch her but like he wasn't even aware he was doing it though she was sure Angela was fully aware of it. She looked down at her shoe and scribbled the word _MESS_ in capital letters.

"Hey," Ricky said as he leant his face against the wall and groaned, "this day just needs to end." He looked up at her and realized her lack of attention, "what are you doing?" He followed her line of sight to the red car, "oh."

"So I was like thinking," looking back towards her shoe and then at Ricky, "I might get my tongue pierced."

"What? Rayanne that's gross."

"No, but like, seriously, Denise, this girl Tino like, knows, says that if you kiss somebody with a pierced tongue, that it takes it to this like, whole other level. Imagine what else you could do with it," she sticks her tongue out at him.

"You're sick," he groaned.

"Let me assure you that I am in top condition," she smiled slyly down at him, "so, anyway, daddy dearest is picking me up so I should probably go." She balanced herself and jumped off the wall.

"How's that like, going?" Ricky asked her cautiously knowing that she probably wouldn't really tell him.

She shrugged her shoulders, "he thinks that if he keeps buying me ice cream I'll turn back into a five year old," she lifted her bag onto her shoulder, "so, uh ciao."

Ricky watched her walk towards the gate.

* * *

_There are things that he does now that are like, habits. Like when I'm talking he'll softy tap his fingers against my hand, as if he hears some inaudible rhythm or when he really wants me to listen to something he'll start by calling me 'Ange.'_

Angela went to continue what she'd been saying, but Jordan interrupted her with a kiss._ He does that a lot too. _She kissed him back and dug her fingers into his shirt, pulling him down further to deepen it. Her head began to swim with his taste, his smell, the way his hand pulled through her hair.

_Everything about him is enough to intoxicate you._

They eventually broke apart but it was ages until either of them moved. Jordan's hand tapped absently against hers. He closed his eyes then reached behind her to open the door. Angela hesitantly sat down without taking her eyes off him. He gave her a small smile and walked round to the other door.

"Here," she said handing him a tightly folded piece of paper.

"What's this?" He let his hand play with her fingers as he took it.

"It's my first attempt," she blushed.

He smiled and unfolded the paper. She watched Jordan intently as he read but his face didn't betray him any emotion.

_It was like waiting to hear if you had some fatal illness._

He folded the paper into his chest and looked over at her.

"Hey Ange," he reached the paper out to her, "what's this word?"

"Oh, um, that's _intuition_."

"Huh," he said and continued reading. When he was done he folded it back up carefully, "It's good," he smiled. "It's just, it's not you."

"Oh," she tried not to let the hurt show.

Jordan shuffled in his seat, "remember when you wrote that thing about the house?"

"The house?" her eyes focused on him, "how'd you know that?"

"It sounded like you," he bit down on his thumb, "it was really...good." He gave her back the paper and started the car. They sat in silence and Angela was left alone with her thoughts. How had he known that she'd written that poem? Her lips grew tight as she became annoyed that her writing had been that obvious.

"So," she said at last, "but you thought it was good?"

He didn't respond he just squeezed her hand.

"Um," she went to say something else and then stopped, "so when do you hear about Pike Street?"

"Should hear tonight, Tino's coming round so..."

"Huh," she said and leant back in her seat.

* * *

Angela stuck her headphones over her ears and searched for inspiration, she flicked her tapes between Pumpkins and Porno for Pyros, none of it sounded right. She opened her drawer and rummaged for the other tapes that Jordan had lent her, for what he called _her education_. She didn't recognize many of the bands, so she let the cover art decide. She looked down at the black and white photograph of four guys with their heads just above the water. _I can relate_.

She put in the tape and it wheezed to life. The sound of the guitar felt like long angular motions and it seemed to fluctuate between being clean and being heavily distorted. She felt the sound wrap around her head and she let the words engulf her. The voice was speaking most of the time, but then it would start to scream. She tried to make out what it was saying, _Creeping up into the sky. Stopping, at the top and, starting down. The girl grabbed my hand, I clutched it tight. I said good-bye to the ground. _The last line echoed in her head.

_I said good-bye to the ground._

She grabbed her pen and started to write. The words just seemed to flow out of her almost like she needed to get out of the way. She tried not to censor anything, to just truly put something of who she was on the page. She could hear the rhythm that the words made; she knew what needed to be said softly and what needed to be harsh.

I watched from where I was /  
And saw the world turn /

I saw the seasons change the trees /  
I saw the people grow old and die /  
I saw the world pass /

And I was left /

I was the only one /  
I was the only one /  
I was the only one /

Wait for me /

I screamed out for them to stop /  
Screamed to turn around /

They continued on their way /  
They turned with the earth and the sky /  
I saw it all pass /

And I am left /

I am the only one /  
I am the only one /  
I am the only one /

Wait for me //

She read over what she had written and bit down on her lip. She felt relief, like there was a part of her that now existed outside of herself, she could see it and touch it, and there seemed to be space, not an empty hollow space but a comfortable one. She let out a loud sigh and collapsed onto her bed. The exhaustion spread over her and she fell into sleep.

Angela awoke to the sun on her face; she stretched and realized she'd slept in her clothes. She wandered down the stairs in search of breakfast. As she rounded the entry to the kitchen, she came face to face with her dad.

"Good morning," he said to her warmly.

"Uh, hey," she mumbled. He handed her a plate of pancakes. She suddenly wasn't sure what she was supposed to do, she stared deeply into the pancakes, like they had some kind of answer. Her dad continued to busy himself in the kitchen, breaking eggs and stirring batter. He looked up at her and smiled again.

_How can he just stand there and grin like that? Like, nothing's wrong, like he hasn't been absent for the past month, like he hasn't hurt her, like he hasn't hurt me._

_I'm going to be sick._

* * *

**Angela was listening to Breadcrumb Trail by Slint**

**Her song I have affectionately titled Angela's Song**


	9. Chapter 9

**AN: here you go :) Huge thanks to luvjordan for beta'ing this - sounds so much better.**

**R&R I own nothing.**

___There are these gaps that exist like__,__ between your idea__s__ and your action__s__. And you've almost got to jump over them before you can make anything happen. Like how I've written this song__. __The__ gap that existed before I showed it to Jordan could've swallowed me whole._

Angela tentatively perched on her seat as she watched Jordan teach her song to the rest of the band. He had seemed really excited about it and it hadn't taken him long to figure out the music. Angela was still worried that maybe he was just being nice to her and that he really didn't think it was any good. She chewed her nail and tried to work out the reactions from the other guys. The band seemed to have evolved incredibly from the last time she had heard them. They still had a punk rock sound, but it had matured and taken on this harsher edge. They sounded a lot closer to what Jordan was always listening to. The guitar lines reminded her of The Smashing Pumpkins, but his voice was a lot cleaner, yet it didn't seem out of place. Whenever he sang, Angela could feel it in her entire body like his voice managed to fill her up from head to toe. Now he was looking at her, singing her words and she felt weak.

"Catalano, this doesn't suck," Shane looked up at him from behind his kit.

"Yeah," Jordan's face tried to hide his smile. He looked over at Angela, she looked terrified, like someone was about to yell at her. "You should tell her, Man."

"Tell who?"

Jordan motioned with eyes towards Angela. Shane stared over to where she sat; he fidgeted in his seat, almost getting up then sitting back down. He looked up at Jordan again then took a deep breath and got up.

"Uh, Angela?" Shane was still holding his drum sticks, tapping them against his legs.

"Um, hi," Angela stared at him unable to disguise her shock. She looked over at Jordan, who immediately dropped his gaze.

"Your song, well it's hot," Shane wasn't sure why he was so nervous to talk to her; maybe it was because this time he wasn't making fun of her. He grimaced thinking of how he had treated her in the past.

"Really?" Angela sounded more thrilled than she meant to. "I mean, really?" she said again, trying to recover some of her composure.

Shane smiled at her, "did you really write the whole thing on your own?"

"Um, yeah," she tucked her hair behind her ear as she felt her face burn.

Shane slapped her on the shoulder, he shifted his weight and looked like he was about to say something but instead he turned and headed back to the band.

Angela stared after him, running the conversation over in her mind.

"Is that true?"

"Huh?" Angela looked up to see a blonde girl standing there. The girl was dressed in a tight black tank top and blue jeans. Her blonde hair reached down to her waist, silver chains hung from her neck and each of her ears held at least six studs. She was what Angela would describe as desirable. She recognized the girl as Nancy Harper, she was a junior and had once been suspended for sticking her gum on a teacher's chair before he sat down.

"Did you really like, write that?"

"Um, yeah."

"Wow," Nancy exclaimed and sat down next to Angela, "that's like, amazing." She fidgeted with one of her chains, tying it around her finger and then letting it unravel. "I mean, I don't think I've ever written anything, that wasn't for, you know, school."

"Thanks," Angela wasn't sure how to handle all this new attention, she had grown accustomed to being invisible whenever she was at the loft.

"You're Angela right?"

Angela nodded her head, trying to work out how a person like this would know her name.

"I thought so, I always see you with Catalano. My friend over there," she pointed to a small girl with short dark hair, who was wearing a red tartan dress and black doc martens, "is really into the drummer."

"Oh," Angela didn't know what she was supposed to do with that information.

"So, you'll help her?"

"I'm sorry, what?"

"You could like, talk to him for her or something."

"Oh, um, well, that was only about the third conversation we've ever had, so maybe I'm not like, the most qualified for the uh, job." Angela didn't know why Nancy Harper didn't just go talk to Shane; she couldn't see him ignoring her in a hurry.

"Oh, no big deal, I'd do it myself but she doesn't want me to for some reason."

Angela looked at Nancy Harper and could think of all kinds of reasons.

"Well, I should probably get back," she started to stand up, "hey, are you going to Pike Street?"

"Yeah, I'll be there," Angela smiled up at her.

"Well, cool, I might see you there."

Angela watched her head back to her friend.

"Hey," Jordan said pulling her up. "Did you make a fan?"

"I'm not sure," Angela responded still staring after Nancy.

Jordan stole her attention back with a kiss, "Let's go," he whispered. He took her hand and guided her out of the loft.

"Bye Angela," Ralph called out to her. She smiled and managed a wave before Jordan had her out the door.

When they were outside, Jordan spun her around to face him, ran his fingers through her hair and brought their lips together. Angela tried to steady herself but she couldn't find her footing, Jordan wrapped his arms around her, lifting her off the ground, just the slightest bit, making actual standing unnecessary. She lost herself in him, in his smell, in his breath, in his taste. He sucked on her lip and her breath hitched. She couldn't think; the entire world was him and him kissing her.

When he pulled away from her she stifled a cry of protest.

"I'll take you home," he said his arms still holding her up.

"No," she said softly but defiantly.

Jordan's eyes narrowed in confusion but then his lips gave way to a small smile. "Where do you wanna go?"

"I don't care."

Jordan took her hand again and opened her door; he smiled to himself as she stepped inside.

* * *

Jordan pulled up a block or so from his house. He knew his old man wouldn't be home, but he still wasn't sure if he wanted to take her there. He shut his eyes and enjoyed the peace that was brought by the night, by the silence, by his car, and by her. He opened his eyes and reached out his hand to touch her cheek.

"Ange..." he started to say but Angela interrupted him with her kiss. He breathed in her smell and the sweetness of her mouth. He wanted to consume her; every part of him was aware of every part of her. He pushed his lips back against hers and drew her closer to him. He let his hands caress her face and then move slowly down her body. He squeezed her waist and drew his fingers along her stomach; he could feel her shudder as he touched her and she kissed him deeper. His hand moved softly along her breast and he heard her gasp. He let out his own small groan in response. He tried to remember anything, his address, the color of his car, his name, anything. Everything was her and the feel of her skin.

He slowly unbuttoned the top of her dress and kissed along her neck and down across her chest. His hands lifted up her dress and he could feel her burning skin. He ran his hand along the top of her tights and drawing her into another deep kiss, let his fingers rub against her. He could feel her hold her breath and begin to tremble. She gasped and he held her closer deepening the kiss. Angela dug her fingers into the back of his neck. He pressed into her harder, wanting to make her feel everything. He reached up with his other hand and rubbed over her breast, taking in the heat of her skin. Her lips parted from his and he heard a small moan. He pulled her closer to him and sucked on her ear. She kissed his face and he drew their mouths back together. She kissed him with such force that he thought he might lose it himself. She moaned again this time stronger and he felt her collapse.

He wrapped his arms around her and buried his face in her neck. He felt the warmth of her skin and breathed in her smell, he felt calm. They stayed like that for a while, gently swaying with the rise and fall of their breaths.

"I should take you home."

He pulled back so he could see her face.

She looked at him and shook her head, "Don't, please."

He reached his hand up and tucked her hair behind her ear.

"Ange..." Jordan couldn't understand what he was that held her back. Angela had people that worried about her, they would probably ground her or something, they would want her home.

She looked at him and her eyes started to glass over. A tear started to fall and he wiped it away with his thumb.

"I...I can't be there," her voice was shaky, "I just can't."

He wrapped his arms around her once more and kissed the top of her head. He could feel the heat from her tears on his shoulder. He ran his fingers through her hair and kissed her neck. He felt the tension drop from her frame.

"Come on," he said releasing her and moving back behind the wheel. She curled up next to him, resting her head on his shoulder. He started the car and drove towards his house.

* * *

**If you require a soundtrack to that last scene I was listening to****_ Lover Like a Lung by Homemade Knives_**


	10. Chapter 10

**AN: Okay, I guess you could call this the end of part 1 - maybe. I'm going to try and write all the next 10 before I post them, I just didn't like having to go back and change bits of this. But goodness if I keep going at this speed, that won't take me very long ;)**

**Big thanks to luvjordan for the beta**

**Please review**

**I own nothing.**

Angela stepped carefully into her house. She held her shoes in one hand and padded slowly up the stairs in her socks. She already missed Jordan; his warmth, the softness of his touch. She wrapped her arms around herself and breathed in the smell of his shirt that she wore over her own. She instantly felt closer to him. She could still feel the echo of his arms around her. They hadn't gone any further that night, he had just held her as she slept and she felt like she was home. Not like the house where she stood now, it felt so foreign, like she was just visiting. It was a house of forced smiles and rushed conversation, of things pushed aside and wordless feuds. It wasn't hers anymore. Angela fell across her bed and wished with all her might that she was back with Jordan.

Sleep soon overtook her and the hours rushed past unannounced. When she eventually awoke the morning sun had long retreated from her room. A cold shiver ran down her spine and she wrapped his shirt tighter around her. Her eyes stung and her mouth felt thick. She walked over to the bathroom, splashed water on her face and brushed her teeth. The house was just as quiet as it was when she'd snuck in those hours earlier. She went back to her room and turned The Cranberries up loud. Angela let the sound block out her thoughts and she spread out across the floor.

She didn't hear the car stop outside, she didn't hear the front door creak open, she didn't hear the steps on the stairs and she didn't hear the knock on her door.

The knock ceased and the steps retreated. If she'd been aware she would've heard the thud of a suitcase being dropped and the curse that followed. The steps descended the stairs and closed the door behind them, the car coughed to life and Angela was alone in the house once more.

* * *

Jordan lent against the door of the house, he shut his eyes and breathed in the last of his cigarette. He reached over and pressed the doorbell, shifted his weight and dug his hands into his pockets, no answer came, he pressed the bell again. Jordan could hear foot steps this time and waited for the door to open. There was what sounded like a muffled sob coming from inside, Jordan was suddenly very unsure of what he was about to step into. The door creaked open slowly and the tear streaked face of Patty appeared, she didn't look at him she just seemed to study his boots. She stood behind the door and motioned for him to come in. Jordan didn't know what he was supposed to do, part of him just wanted to find Angela and get the hell out of there but part of him was also concerned for Patty. He scratched the back of his head and tried to open his mouth to say anything to her. Patty lifted her eyes and managed a faint smile towards him.

"Angela's in her room," her voice was cracked and it seemed to strain under the words.

Jordan tried to manage a smile of his own but it failed to break. He turned hesitantly and took the stairs to Angela's room. He knocked on the door and slowly turned the handle. Angela was sitting on the floor hugging her knees to her chest. She didn't look up as Jordan came in, he sat down in front of her, unsure again of what he was supposed to do.

Angela looked up at him and Jordan could see that she'd been crying. Her mouth began tremble trying to force out some words.

"He just left," her voice was tiny. Jordan moved so he was sitting next to her, trying to be whatever she needed him to be.

Angela inhaled sharply, "left," she said again. She kicked out her feet and stared up at the ceiling. "I mean, how can a person, how can he, he left!" Her voice started to gather strength. "He just left!" Her hands covered her face and she groaned loudly.

Jordan could feel her start to shake as new tears began to fall. He wrapped his arms around her and drew her into his chest. Angela tangled her hands in his shirt and pulled herself tighter into him. His chest began to burn with the hot sting of her tears. He just wanted Angela to be okay.

Jordan had been six when his mother left. He could still remember sitting alone in his room, listening to his old man get wasted. That had been the first night that he had hit Jordan. His father used to strike his mother and Jordan would just stand there helpless, crying. Jordan felt his hands go tense as his mind dwelled on his past. He bit his lip and held back the sting in his eyes.

Jordan tried to force his thoughts towards Angela. He kissed her hair and breathed in her sweet smell, his head began to clear. Angela's sobs were becoming softer and her breathing began to steady. Jordan pulled her closer to him, if he ever needed the right words surely it was now but nothing came.

He felt Angela go still and her breathing begin to deepen. The ache in his legs reminded him of how long they'd been sitting there. Jordan lifted her up and carried her to the bed, he pulled the blanket over her and sat on the floor. Jordan gently stroked her arm and rested his head against the mattress; he would stay, he would not leave her.

* * *

Angela awoke to find Jordan asleep on the floor. She could hear banging and crashing coming from downstairs and the sound of Camille Cherski trying to persuade her mother to eat. There was a small knock on the door.

"Angela?" she heard Sharon's voice coming from the other side.

"Hey," Angela responded, her voice sounded absent, like she was trying to use somebody else's.

Sharon slowly opened the door and took in the sight of Jordan slumped by Angela's bed; a small smile came to her lips.

"Oh, Angela," She crossed the floor between them and drew Angela into a close hug.

Angela buried her face in Sharon's shoulder. She heard Jordan begin to stir and wondered how long he'd been there; a smile started to threaten the corners of her mouth.

Angela could hear cries of protest coming from Danielle as Camille told her to pack a bag to stay at their house. She suddenly felt very defensive of her sister, she broke the connection with her friend and walked out into the hall. She could see Danielle trying to haul her bag towards the stairs. Angela reached out and grabbed her pulling her into her room. Danielle clung to Angela's waist.

"Don't make me go," Danielle mumbled into her shirt.

"Come on," she said and took her over to the bed.

"Danielle," she heard Camille yell. There was a knock on her door and Camille Cherski slowly came into view.

"Come on sweetie," Camille said to Danielle.

Angela held her sister tighter and stared defiantly at Camille.

Camille sighed and her face softened, "I'm only trying to make it easier on your mom."

"I won't make it hard," Danielle whispered.

Camille tried to smile and backed defeated out of the room. Angela could feel Sharon shuffle on the bed, she put her hand on her knee to tell her it was okay. Sharon leaned in and kissed her on the cheek before following her mother out the door.

Angela kissed the top of Danielle's head. She drew in a deep breath and bit down on her lip; her emotions coursed through her; anger, sadness, hurt but the most confusing was a sense of relief. The waiting for her father to go had stopped. He was gone and now they were left with whatever was on the other side of that.

"We'll get through this," Angela said, mostly to herself.


	11. Chapter 11

**AN: okay it's like impossible for me to stay away. What's everyone think of the story so far? It gets more nerve racking posting these things as I start to make plot decisions etc but yeah this is just what's coming out of me :) Thanks so much to everyone who reads it (most people that have probably read my work like ever) and huge thanks to everyone who's reviewed. **

**Update: tweaked the end (I know I'm terrible)**

**I don't own MSCL**

* * *

Brian looked across at Jordan; his head was down and he seemed consumed with the work sheet in front of him. Brian stared past him and his thoughts returned to Angela; Sharon had told him what had happened, though he could've worked it out for himself. He had been trying to not to notice that Graham was barely at home anymore. Angela had hardly been in class all week and even though he had sworn to himself that he would stop caring about Angela Chase he was still concerned. Brian had thought about asking Ricky how she was but couldn't subject himself to all the questions he was sure Ricky would ask. He looked back at Jordan and cursed the fact that he was probably Brian's best source of information.

"So, I was like thinking, like about Angela," his voice seemed to croak as he said her name. Jordan didn't look up but Brian could see that he'd stopped writing.

"I know I was the one that made that like, _rule_ about you know..." Brian felt his words start to ramble and knew he should just make the point. "But, like, how is she?"

Jordan stared into the desk and then turned his face to look at Brian.

"I'm not sure," he finally replied.

"Oh, but, is she you know, okay?"

Jordan stared past Brian into the wall, Brian could see he wasn't going to answer, he looked like he was trying to work it out for himself.

* * *

Angela watched the microwave groan as it rotated another slab of lasagna; Camille Cherski had been bringing food over all week, the microwave beeped and she sighed and opened the door.

_Warming something up has never been so depressing._

She dug her fork into the lasagna and grimaced as she stuck it in her mouth.

_Still cold._

She decided she wasn't hungry anymore and headed back up the stairs. Her room had become her isolation, her cave and she was getting used to the idea of never coming out. At school she just tried enough to be there but participation in anything; class, conversations, was just too much work. The days seemed to bleed together as her mother went from fits of talking to stone walled silence. Danielle had been doing her best to stay out of her way but Angela could see that she was hurting too. Angela didn't know what she was supposed to do now; everything felt so altered, so unfamiliar. Who was she when her father lived somewhere else? Angela collapsed across her bed; she thought about reaching for her walkman but she still couldn't bare to put a soundtrack to this experience.

There was a knock at her door and Ricky came rushing in.

"You're not dressed?"

"What Ricky? go away," Angela groaned and pulled the pillow over her face.

Ricky pushed the pillow away and fixed his eyes on hers.

"I'm sorry, I mean hi," she offered him a forced smile.

Ricky sighed and sat down next to her, he hated seeing her like this.

"Okay, so I know you've resigned yourself to being a hermit or something, but don't you think you should be there tonight?"

"What's tonight?" Angela had an idea of what he was talking about but she didn't want to deal with his question yet.

"Angela, the show, the Pike Street show."

"Oh."

"Oh? So, get dressed."

"I don't think he would probably notice if I just, you know, didn't go."

"Angela, you have been talking my ear off for weeks about how important this is for him, it's like their debut, or whatever." Ricky sighed again and stared at a poster on Angela's wall. "Maybe you're just so used to him not noticing, that you haven't realized that he like has, you know, noticed."

Ricky's words grated against Angela. Jordan had been there for her been he had been her peace, her home and now she was going to let him down.

"So, what should I wear?"

Ricky grinned at her, "Okay, you go shower and I'll pick out your clothes."

* * *

Angela took a deep breath and held onto Ricky's hand. The crowd was surging as a hardcore band was destroying them with their sound. She wanted to leave, she wanted her isolation. Angela scanned the crowd hoping to catch a glimpse of Jordan. She saw Nancy Harper and her friend leaning against a wall, Nancy looked up as Angela's eyes fell on them, she smiled and they started making their way over.

"Oh my god, there's Nancy Harper," Ricky squealed into her ear, "I heard she once got suspended for spitting her gum in Mr. Demitri's coffee."

"Hey Angela," Nancy smiled as she reached them.

"Hey," Angela responded.

"This is Cree," she said indicating her friend.

Angela smiled at her, "this is Ricky."

Nancy offered him a half smile, "they haven't played yet, should be up after these guys."

"Oh, okay."

"So, we'll see you," Nancy bustled Cree off into the crowd.

Angela and Ricky stared after them.

"So, what you're like, friends with Nancy Harper?" Rayanne interrupted their thoughts, "Because it's like okay, if you are."

Angela stared at Rayanne and her face broke a smile, there was something oddly comforting about Rayanne being there, she looked over at Ricky, it felt almost like old times.

Rayanne smiled back at her and linked arms with Ricky, "so, when are they coming out?"

"Should be next."

********

Jordan was sitting on a crate outside the stage door. He sucked on his cigarette and tried to hide his nerves. Shane and the other guys were listening to the band on stage; normally Jordan would've joined them but he felt he needed some space. He had no idea how Residue would be received, they'd managed to pad out the set with a few more covers but they were going to play a lot of originals. Jordan felt so exposed; he hoped nobody would see him, they'd just hear the music.

He heard the door open and looked up to see Shane.

"We got five minutes," he said before closing the door again. Jordan flicked out his cigarette and hesitantly got to his feet. He slammed his hand against the door, bit his lip and then turned the handle.

Jordan strapped on his guitar and tapped his fingers against its body. He didn't know if Angela would be out there, part of him didn't want her to be; everything was so intense when she was there and this was intense enough, but part of him just wanted to see her face, see her smile. She had been distant all week, trapped in her own mind or something. Angela had always dictated their conversations; she would talk a lot and he would talk, well, more than he used to. Jordan thought he would be thankful for the silence but he found himself missing her nonsensical ramblings.

He crossed the stage and positioned the mic stand in front of him, he looked over at Shane who gave him the nod to start. Jordan stared out into the crowd thankful that at least it was dark.

"Um, hey, we're Residue."

********

Angela held her breath as Jordan came onto the stage, he looked amazing, like he belonged or something. She felt a sense of pride rush through her, she squeezed Ricky's hand hoping to convey her thankfulness to him. The band broke into their first song and Angela recognized their Pixies cover. The crowd seemed unsure at first but they were soon getting into it. Angela could see Rayanne dancing next to Ricky, a smile broke out across her face and she moved to join her. Rayanne grinned and grabbed her hand, Ricky didn't need any encouragement before he joined them. The song ended and the crowd broke out into cheers and hoots; Angela screamed along with them.

The band moved into their next song and the crowd seemed to eat it up. Angela recognized one of Jordan's songs and she surged with pride once more. He was hers, this person up there creating this amazing moment was hers. Angela almost wanted them to stop playing just so she could be with him, hug him, kiss him, anything him.

Jordan didn't say much, only to introduce a few songs, so when he said, "this next one's called _I wait Alone_," Angela's heart caught in her throat. Jordan punched out the wall of sound, her face burned, her words were coming. She looked out for the exit but couldn't see anything for all the people, she bit her lip and braced herself. Jordan pulled the sound back and his voice husked over the first verse. She tried to see people's faces, to see reactions, she half expected them to all turn and stare at her, but everyone was just moving along with the music. She grabbed Ricky's hand and tried to just hear it, tried to forget her part in it.

"This is really good," Ricky yelled in her ear.

Angela grinned back at him, she was sure he didn't know that those words were hers. The song came to then end and the crowd cheered. Angela felt elated, she'd done something, made something and people were reacting to it.

The band played a couple more songs and the crowd clapped and shouted as they said thanks and left the stage. Angela grinned at her friends and Rayanne threw her fist in the air shouting something about rock gods. The volume of the club seemed to drop as the background music came on. Angela knew Jordan was back there somewhere, she chewed her nail and tried to stand on her toes to get a better look. She felt arms encircle her waist as Jordan came up behind her.

"Hey," he whispered into her ear and kissed her neck. Angela smiled and entwined her fingers around his, she felt the roughness of his finger tips and the smoothness of the back of his hand, she turned around and wrapped her hands behind his neck.

"Hey," she said and kissed him, Jordan tightened his arms around her and she forgot where she was. She sighed as the kiss ended and the sound of the next band pounded down on her. Jordan smiled and ran his thumb over her cheek.

"Drink?" he mouthed, or possibly shouted, she wasn't sure.

Angela nodded and watched Jordan wander off to the bar. She looked around and grinned at Ricky who grinned back at her, but there was no sign of Rayanne.

"Angela!" Nancy squealed as she wrapped her arms around her. "That was amazing!" she shouted.

Angela was caught a bit off guard by this sudden show of affection, her cheeks burned red and she tried to smile at Nancy. Nancy grinned at her and then danced away into the crowd, Angela could just see the top of her hands as she disappeared. She looked next to her and noticed that Cree had been left standing there, Angela smiled at her but Cree's eyes were fixed on Shane as he and Jordan walked over to them.

Jordan handed her a coke and Angela drank it down not realizing how thirsty she'd been. Jordan wrapped his hand around hers and she wondered how much longer they needed to stay; she wanted him in the quiet and all to herself.

Angela could see Shane standing further back, he was oblivious to Cree's apparent awareness of him. Angela took Cree in, she was pretty but not in an obvious type of way, her dark hair was short but still seemed to fall across her face, her skin was pale and her features were petite. Angela guessed that she was quite shy, seeing as she hadn't actually spoken to her yet. She wondered how a girl like that got to be friends with a girl like Nancy Harper, maybe it was similar to the way that Angela had been friends with Rayanne Graff.

Shane walked up to Jordan and motioned with his head towards the stage, Jordan kissed Angela on the cheek and tried to say something but Angela couldn't hear it. She watched them walk off and figured it was something band related. Angela shouted at Ricky that she needed some air, Ricky seemed to understand, Angela looked over at Cree and motioned for her to follow them.

"Ah," Angela gasped as they stumbled out into the parking lot, she breathed in the night air and willed her ears to hear again.

"Ricky, wasn't that just the most..." she said grabbing a hold of his arm.

"I know, I know," Ricky responded.

"They were just, and he was just, it was amazing!"

"I know," Ricky echoed again.

"I mean it Ricky, I could just die just like right now,"

"I know, but, not right now because then you wouldn't get to you know."

"I know, I know," Angela reached her arms in the air and sighed.

Angela looked over at Cree who seemed unsure of what she was doing there, Angela wasn't sure why she'd told her to follow them either.

"Did you love it?" Angela asked her, figuring common ground was a good place to start.

Cree nodded her head and a smile broke across her face, "It was amazing wasn't it?"

Angela grinned back at her.

"You're Cree Phillips right?" Ricky asked.

Cree nodded her head.

"I thought so," he continued, "I've seen you around school sometimes."

Angela noticed Cree's eyes widen and she looked around to see Jordan and Shane making their way over to them. Ricky must've noticed her reaction too because he gave Angela a knowing smile and they both held back a giggle.

"Ready to go?" Jordan asked reaching for Angela's hand, he looked up at Ricky, "you need a ride?"

"No, no I'm fine," Ricky smiled, he kissed Angela on the cheek and headed back inside.

Angela looked over at Cree and Shane standing there and a plot started to tick over in her mind.

"So, we're gonna go," she said to them, "but you guys should like, stay."

Jordan's eyes narrowed in confusion as she started herding him off towards his car. Angela looked back at Shane and only hoped he was decent enough to do the right thing.

* * *

Jordan pulled up to the curb outside her house. He shifted towards her and drew her into a deep kiss. Angela wanted to extend their time together as much as possible, she didn't want to go back in that house with the reality of everything waiting for her. Being here with Jordan felt like another time, where he was all she could think about and they just existed in their own world. She broke the kiss and wrapped her arms around him.

"You were incredible tonight," she whispered.

He moved back so he could see her face, he gently stroked her jaw with his thumb and kissed her again.

"Thanks," he finally said.

Angela sat back in her seat and chewed her nail, "Hey, lets drive to like Cleveland or something."

"What?" Jordan couldn't hide the surprise in his voice.

"Lets just go somewhere, just us."

"And you want to go to Cleveland?"

"Well, no, but I don't really care _where_ we go." She shifted closer to him again, "just as long as we're there, like, together," she whispered leaning in and kissing him softly.

Jordan shifted back in his seat not really sure what she was saying, did she really just want to be with him or was it that she just didn't want to go back home? The idea of just being with her was starting to work its way around his mind, he focused his eyes on the corner of her sleeve as it brushed against his wrist.

_She has no idea how incredible she is._

He looked up at her house and thought about the stuff she must be dealing with, he didn't want her to be distant, to hurt. Jordan wanted to drive her away from all of that. Then he thought about Patty and how she'd looked that day, Patty needed Angela, Jordan could understand that and he couldn't take her away, not yet anyway.

"It'll be okay," he kissed her again and reached across and opened her door.

Angela stood on the curb and watched him drive away, she felt hurt by Jordan's reaction to her suggestion, didn't he want to be with her as much as she wanted him? The thought of her and Jordan just being together, just by themselves was something that continually occupied her mind. Was everything getting too much for him? Did he want some _space_? A chill ran over her as her mind dwelled on this, the thought of any distance between them made her throat ache. Angela looked up at her house and the glooming reality it provided and tensed her hands trying to prepare herself for the real world.

"Hey Chase," she heard the familiar voice of Brian Krakow, she looked up to see him walking towards her.

"Hey," she responded.

"I was just, I mean I just noticed..." Brian started to ramble and Angela felt comforted by the familiar sound.

"Are you, you know okay?" he asked at last.

Angela took in his question and felt a renewed strength somewhere inside her.

"I will be," she said and smiled up at him. He smiled back at her, she turned and walked up the steps to her house.

* * *

**Residue added Husker Du & Sonic Youth to their set. **


	12. Chapter 12

**AN: Incredibly sorry for posting this and then taking it down, it won't happen again I swear. I've rewritten it and I'm so much happier with it. I hope you read it again and agree with me. Please review and again am hugely sorry.**

**I don't own MSCL**

_If you take everything that has happened to you and put in a box or in like a book or something, would it be worth much? What if somebody points out to you that not much has really happened, or accuses you of making half of it up?_

Angela sat cross legged on the end of her bed; she could hear the sound of her mother getting Danielle ready for school. The sounds were normal enough but they still felt odd, as if everything her mother did right now was hollow or something. Angela sighed and moved over to her dresser, she toyed with the top of a perfume bottle and stared at her self in the mirror.

Her mind returned to Jordan; she hadn't seen him for the rest of the weekend. Angela had thought about calling him or going to see him but the notion that he might not want to see her held her back. She had tried to throw herself into other conversations, into cooking dinner, into homework, into anything but that thought seemed to underly everything. Their relationship had always seemed too much like a dream to be real, at the back of her head he was always about to leave. The soundtrack was always there; he's just having fun, he'll get bored soon, he doesn't really want you. She bit her lip and shook her head in an attempt to get rid of the doubt. Jordan was still here, and as if this thought needed to be cemented in, she heard the sound of his car pull up to her house.

* * *

Angela sunk into her seat and focused her eyes on Jordan as he drove. She tried to take in everything about him; making mental list after mental list in an attempt to permanently etch him into her mind. His hair almost touched his shoulders now, it had become lighter as the weather had warmed. His olive skin seemed to have responded to the sun as well which set off the blue in eyes, god those eyes. Her gaze fell to his mouth and she took in the fullness of his bottom lip and the way that it tensed before he spoke, his voice filtered through the car; she thought of how it always sounded like he started half the conversation in his head and the huskiness to it which made everything sound like sex whether he meant it to or not.

"So, do you?" Jordan's words interrupted the flow of Angela's thoughts, she gave him a blank stare having missed the other half of his sentence. She watched his eyes as they focused on the road ahead, she noticed his thumb tapping absently against the steering wheel and counted the rings around his fingers.

_Am I still making him up?_

"Do I, what?" she asked, her thoughts making way for actual words.

"Wanna come to the loft tonight?" the words seemed innocent enough, she went there all the time but somehow the question felt more important than normal. The continual soundtrack echoed through her head; should she go? Was she crowding him? Did he really want space? Angela tucked her hair behind her ear and tried to rationalize her answer.

"If you want me to." That was enough, the statement put the question back to him, he could dictate this.

Jordan glanced at her from the corner of his eye, she noticed his thumbnail turn white as he pressed it into the steering wheel.

"Do you want to?" the coolness in his voice seemed to slip a bit. Of course Angela wanted to but would going to the loft just be one more step towards him leaving, towards him working out that he didn't want her?

"Well, I mean, I don't want to crowd you or anything." That's true, sort of, she didn't want him to _feel_ crowded but she also never wanted to be apart from him.

"What?"

Angela bit her lip, he hadn't said she wasn't crowding him, he hadn't denied it, was it possibly true?

"Well, maybe I won't go." If he really wanted her to go, he would ask her again.

"Fine, whatever," Jordan grumbled as he pulled into the car park.

"Fine," Angela snapped back as she got out of the car and slammed the door behind her.

Jordan tightened his grip on the steering wheel as he stared after her. Where was she going? He played the conversation back over in his mind trying to figure out when it had turned into a fight. He dug his fingernails into the wheel then shoved the car back into gear and drove off.

Angela slammed her locker shut and closed her eyes, she tried to force her mind to be still but, as was often the case, she failed. She wanted to yell at Jordan, force him to react, how was he still this unclimbable wall? The thoughts became louder in her mind; he's just having fun, he doesn't really want you.

_I'm making him up, I'm making it all up._

Angela held her books against her chest and tried to swallow against the lump forming in her throat. After willing her feet to move she made her way towards Biology hoping that maybe the sight of whatever organ they would be dissecting would prove an effective distraction.

*****

Brian looked up as Angela entered the classroom, he was still painfully aware whenever she was in proximity to him. Angela sat down next to Sharon and Brian could over hear the forced casualness in her voice as Angela greeted her. Something was wrong and he hated that he could recognize it, it was probably something Jordan Catalano had done or it could be something with her dad. Brian didn't know which he'd rather hold responsible for causing Angela's mouth to tighten as she forced another smile towards whatever Sharon had just said. Brian had gotten to know Jordan these past months and he was surprised at Jordan's ability to pick stuff up rather quickly. It was like nobody had ever really tried to teach him or probably Jordan had just stopped trying to learn. Whichever it was Jordan had earned some of Brian's reluctant respect. Graham had always had Brian's respect, he was a good father and from what Brian could gather a good husband but really maybe he wasn't. If Graham who appeared to be good could do something so awful then maybe Jordan who appeared to be hopeless could do something well, maybe he could just do something. Brian lowered his eyes back to his work and cursed his constant analysis of everything.

******

Jordan turned the music up louder as he turned around another corner, he wasn't really driving anywhere but just driving held some kind of relief. He hated that Angela was mad at him, he hated more the fact that he couldn't work out why. It was probably so plain to everybody else but he was just too stupid to see it. He'd already done so much, been there when every impulse told him to run. Maybe he should just go, maybe she wanted him to go, she just couldn't say it. Jordan traced back over the past months trying to remember if she'd been pushing him away, he couldn't. It had been great, it had been hard but she was worth it. Angela was able to make it all better, the way she saw the world, the way she saw him, he wanted to be better.

_Fuck, here we go again._

He turned the car around and headed back in the direction of the school.

******

Angela could see Jordan standing by her locker and suddenly her feet weighed a tonne. She tried to hide her face but she couldn't ignore the blue eyes that didn't lose contact with her. Angela wanted to walk straight past him, to be the one that didn't care, that held the weight in the relationship. What if he didn't want her anymore? She studied his form again as he leant against her locker determined not to forget a thing; if he left she would not forget. Angela felt her throat begin to ache, she tried to slow her steps, to keep the distance but she still reached him far too quickly. Jordan didn't say a thing he just closed his hand around hers and guided her in the direction of the boiler room. Angela's mind fell into a wave of confusion, he doesn't want to make out now does he? The thought brought the anger back to the surface and she stopped short just before the door.

"No," she said sternly.

"What?" Jordan looked at her in confusion.

"You can't just try to fix everything like that, no," she said as she wriggled her hand out of his grip.

"Like what? Angela." Jordan took a step back and rubbed his head trying to work out what she meant.

"Like that," she said motioning towards the door.

"Oh." Jordan's face softened as he realized what she was referring to, he looked at the door and then at her, "I just want to talk to you."

Angela shifted her weight and looked at him, his expression held concern but not anger. Jordan reached his hand out to her again and she took it. He pushed opened the door and led her down the familiar steps.

"Occupied," a gruff voiced yelled up at them, they stopped on the stairs as they both recognized it as Shane's. Jordan tightened his grip on Angela's hand and a smirk broke the corners of his mouth. What was Shane doing there and who was he doing it with?

"Who you got down there Roberts?" Jordan called.

There was a shuffle and Shane's face appeared at the bottom of the stairs. His hair was messed up and his face was red; they'd obviously caught him in the middle of something.

"Nobody," he said trying to keep the coolness in his voice.

Jordan gave Angela a knowing look and her face broke a smile, she was thankful for anything to cut the tension between them. Jordan stared back down at his friend and enjoyed watching him squirm. Shane shifted his weight and tried to get back up the stairs but Jordan blocked his way. He went to push through again but gave up and scowled defeated at Jordan.

"Fine," he said and threw his hands in the air. Shane went back around the corner and came back with a girl with short dark hair. Angela's mouth dropped open as she recognized her. "Can we go now?" he glared at Jordan.

Angela stared at Cree and Cree stared at the floor she looked mortified. Angela felt embarrassed for her, she could remember the feeling when it had first been her and Jordan. Angela looked back at Shane, he was trying to knock Jordan down with his stare. The irony of the situation was too much for Angela and she covered her smile with her hand.

Jordan grinned and stepped aside to make way for them. Angela watched them walk up the stairs and through the door. Once they were gone she looked back at Jordan and folded her arms trying to look composed, he was still smiling and she burst into laughter. Jordan wrapped his arms around her and kissed the top of her head. Angela hugged into him and felt the comfort of his well worn flannel shirt. The intensity from before seemed to have lifted, it felt like them again. She began to feel foolish for doubting him at all.

Jordan took her hand and led her over to some crates where they sat down. He chewed on his thumb and stared at her shoes. The laughter was gone and Angela could feel the intensity returning, did he still want to talk? She looked at Jordan and tried to see past his wall of silence.

Jordan continued to study her shoes; he hoped she could just say what she wanted to say and that it wasn't what he was afraid of. If she wanted him to go, he could do it, maybe, possibly.

"Jordan," Angela said at last, "what's going on?"

Jordan reached out to the crate she was sitting on and pulled her closer to him. He looked into her eyes and moved his hand to tuck her hair behind her ear. Why did he have to bring them back to this place? Seconds before they had been laughing and the distance had gone. He could've just left it there but would they have ended up here anyway?

"Jordan," Angela said again and he could hear the concern in her voice, what did she think was going on?

"You tell me," he said. If she needed space, if she needed time, he could give her that, well he could try.

"What? No, Jordan you want to talk to me," her words were sharp, he just stared at her. "No," she said getting up and walking away from him, "you don't get to be the one with no words, not this time, just tell me."

"Tell you what?" he replied standing up himself.

"Just tell me," she said again turning to face him, "tell me that..." she stared past him unable to look at his face, "...that you don't want me," she whispered.

"What? Angela?" her words shocked him, how could she possibly think that? He'd never really wanted anything before. "Is that what you think?"

"Well,..." she cautioned a look back to his face and could see the confusion in his eyes, "...yeah."

Jordan walked over to her and placed his hands on her shoulders, "How could you think that?"

Angela stared into his eyes, even with him standing there she still felt like she was making it all up. He still hadn't corrected her. She tried to think back over their relationship, had he ever told her? Had he ever said anything about how he felt about her? She knew how much she wanted him, it always felt like too much. She looked harder into his eyes, trying to see some hint of how he feels. There was just no way that he could posses half of the feelings that she had for him.

"I don't know," she whispered, "...I don't know how you feel." The words were out and she wanted to take them back.

"Angela," he whispered and brushed his hand over her cheek, "I thought it was obvious."

Angela shook her head and felt the familiar ache in her throat, "It's not."

Jordan's eyes left hers and focused on the wall behind her, "What else do you want me to do?"

Angela's eyes started to sting, "Just tell me," she breathed.

Jordan looked back at her face, he bit his lip and rubbed his hand behind his head. The words weren't there, they were never there, not for her. She seemed to suck every word from him and render him stupid and speechless. He shifted his weight in frustration and dug his hands into his pockets.

"God," Angela said her voice gaining strength, "if it's so hard for you...just don't." Angela started to walk away but Jordan grabbed her by the hand.

"Wait," he said pulling her back over to him. Angela wouldn't look at him and his frustration grew, "Look, it's not like you've ever told me either."

Angela stared at Jordan as the truth of his words echoed in her mind. Had she never really told him? The feelings coursed through her so rapidly, how could he not see them? Could she tell him? Surely telling him would just lead to rejection, to him actually leaving.

"Jordan," her voice cracked, "I...I can't." She looked into his eyes, he was staring back at her, she wanted to tell him anything but not everything. It was like if she let her feelings out they'd almost not be hers anymore, they'd exist outside of herself and she'd come to rely on them, need them. Maybe she could let them out, just a tiny bit.

"It's not because I don't ... you know," she said tucking her hair behind her ear and letting her eyes search the floor before looking back at him, "but it's because I like, _do_."

"Angela..." his face softened and he stroked her cheek with his hand, "...do you?" Angela nodded her head and Jordan smiled, "Me too," he whispered and kissed her.


	13. Chapter 13

**AN: Chapter 13, wow. Okay this chapter is mostly just fluff, because hey sometimes Jordan says all the right stuff and Angela doesn't freak out **_**sometimes**_** - this is one of those times. **

* * *

Jordan leaned in and kissed Angela before heading over to join the rest of the band, even with the intensity of the day he still wanted her to be there. Angela sighed as she watched him walk away, she looked around the loft, the usual crowd was there, she was slowly starting to get to know a few of them. She noticed Cree sitting by herself sketching something in her notebook, Angela smiled to herself remembering her previous discovery. She wasn't sure if it was her place to ask Cree about it, though she was sure she'd helped it happen.

"Hey," Angela said sitting down next to her.

Cree stopped sketching and looked up, her face went red as she saw Angela, "Hey," she said and hugged her notebook against her chest.

Angela wasn't sure how to broach the subject or even if she should, "So, how are you?" she asked.

"Um, good," Cree said crossing her legs and closing her notebook in her lap, "how are you?"

"Good," Angela responded and leaned back against the wall.

The pair sat in silence for a while each watching their perspective band member. Angela heard Cree let out a short laugh as Shane threw his drumstick at Ralph.

"He's cute," Angela said, she didn't really know if she thought Shane was cute but she was sure Cree did.

"Yeah," Cree said her voice sounded absent as she continued to watch him. She turned and smiled at Angela, "Do you think he likes me?"

Angela was caught a bit off guard by Cree's question, she hadn't expected her to be so forward. "Well," Angela said, "I haven't really seen you two together, so it's kinda hard to say." Angela noticed the smile fall from Cree's face, "Well, how is he when he's with you?"

"God," Cree laughed, "I could tell you in like, microscopic detail."

Shane watched Cree and Angela sitting together, talking, laughing, he looked over at Jordan.

"Don't think we'll double date now or anything."

Jordan looked up from tuning his guitar.

"She's just some girl."

Jordan stared at him.

"There's gonna be lots more girls."

Jordan's eyes narrowed.

"I'm not whipped like you Catalano."

Jordan rolled his eyes and went back to tuning his guitar.

Shane looked back over at Cree; she was kind of hot and she knew a hell of a lot about Nirvana but she was definitely just some girl.

"I don't really know how it happened," Cree continued, "it's like we standing outside the club and I kept thinking he'll wanna leave any second now. Only he didn't he just kept being there talking to me asking me what I thought of their set."

Angela beamed at her, she loved how animated Cree's face was getting as she was relaying the story.

"Then he asked me what other bands I was into and I went into some spiel about my utter devastation over Kurt Cobain and he told me how he could hardly eat for a week after he'd found out, and then he kissed me, like out of nowhere, without warning." Cree sighed and so did Angela.

"Wow," Angela said, "just like that?"

"Yeah," Cree said and let out a giggle.

They continued to chat as they watched the band. Angela liked having someone to sit with while she was there and she liked Cree. She liked how Cree feigned horror when Angela admitted to never having seen The Breakfast Club and how Cree confessed her latest obsession with Nick Cave; she liked them all dark and tortured she'd said. She didn't ask Angela much about Jordan and Angela didn't mind that; it was nice to give her mind a break.

The band finished; Angela watched as Jordan packed away his gear, she loved the effortlessness that surrounded him, he was so natural, he was just himself. His hair hung over his eyes as he bent down to put his guitar in its case, he was wearing a simple navy blue t-shirt and his usual jeans.

_The idea that he chooses what he wears, that he likes that black cord around his neck and the chain that hangs from his jeans, it's all like proof that he makes decisions everyday, like the evidence of his thoughts. _

Angela bit her lip and felt the urgency to be near him again. She got up and walked towards where the guys were set up, she felt their eyes on her as she made her way through. Jordan was facing slightly away from her kneeling on the floor tugging at some lead, Angela bent down and wrapped her arms around Him. Jordan jumped slightly not having seen her approach, he dropped the lead he was holding and pulled her down so she was sitting in front of him.

Jordan liked that she'd made the first move and in front of everyone too. He leaned in so that his hands were pressed against the floor either side of her and his upper body hung only inches from hers and kissed her. He could hear Shane make some comment followed by Ralph telling Shane to shut it. Jordan didn't care he barely even noticed.

Angela sighed as the kiss ended; Jordan moved back to packing up his stuff, Angela picked up one of his leads and tried her best to wind it into a neat circle like the others. She gave up and handed Jordan the circular mess that she'd made. He smiled at her as he took it; he kind of loved that she'd done it all wrong.

"Just a sec," Jordan said and Angela watched him walk over to Shane. Angela looked back over at Cree, she had gone back to sketching in her notebook and stealing glances at Shane. Angela felt anxious for her, she really hoped that Shane wouldn't hurt her.

Jordan came back and took her hand, leading her towards the door. Angela tried to make eye contact with Cree to say some kind of goodbye but she didn't look up.

Jordan stopped as they reached his car, "I almost forgot," he said sticking his hand into his back pocket, and producing a tape that was wrapped in a photocopied flyer.

"Thanks, who is it?" She asked taking it and running her fingers over the paper.

"It's a Pumpkins bootleg." Jordan watched as her face lit up, he knew she'd love it.

* * *

Angela continued to smile to herself as she sunk into her seat, she turned the tape over and over again in her fingers.

_Sometimes someone can do something that proves to you that you're like a part of their mind. _

Angela looked back up at Jordan and tried to guess where his mind was now.

"It's from their Chicago show," Jordan said not taking his eyes off the road.

"It's amazing," Angela said curling into his side.

Jordan put his arm around Angela and let his fingers play with the edge of her t-shirt. He liked that the weather was getting warmer and that he got to see and touch more of her skin. He ran his fingers over her arm just to prove it.

"Have you got any Nick Cave?"

Jordan reached his hand over to the glove compartment and snapped it open, "have a look."

Angela smiled and ran her fingers over the many treasures; pack of cigarettes, guitar pics, some kind of box thing and many many tapes. She pulled out a few trying to make out the names in the faint glow of the dash; Archers of Loaf, Jawbox, Superchunk, she pulled out a few more; Pavement, more Jawbox and then a black tape with the words Nick Cave + BS scrawled in Liquid Paper. She opened her successful find and placed it carefully into the stereo.

The deep voice responded out of the speakers, Angela didn't recognize the song but she closed her eyes and tried to pick out what Cree was so obsessed about. Her thoughts soon wandered back to Cree and Shane.

"Do you think he likes her?" Angela asked Jordan as she curled back into his side.

"Who?"

"Shane," Angela said.

Jordan figured she was talking about that girl he'd caught Shane with. He thought back to what Shane had said, he was sure Shane was just hiding behind his usual bull shit but he could be wrong.

"Look, I don't know, can you talk about something else?" Jordan didn't feel right talking about his friend, he didn't like that type of thing.

"She's really sweet," Angela continued, "I hope he does."

Jordan didn't respond, he traced his fingers over Angela's arm becoming lost once more in the feel of her skin.

"Tino's gotten us a spot at Vertigo Friday night, think you'll be there?"

"Probably," Angela whispered and buried her face in his shirt. She liked this new Jordan, this making plans Jordan.

There was only a few weeks left of school, Summer was nearly here. Angela only had to survive finals and then freedom. She looked back up at Jordan and wondered if she should ask him if he had any plans for Summer but she decided not to push her luck, she would let whatever happens happen.

Jordan cut the engine as he stopped outside her house, Angela climbed on top of him and hugged herself around him. Jordan wrapped his arms around her and pulled her closer; she didn't say anything, he didn't kiss her they just enjoyed the safety of each other's touch. It was times like this when he wasn't fighting temptation and she wasn't trying to pry sentences from him, that felt the most natural, the most intimate.

Angela moved back to look at Jordan's face and brushed the hair out of his eyes. She traced her fingers along the side of his face and over his lips.

"I like you," she whispered and covered his mouth with hers.

Jordan pulled her against him and met her kiss with intensity. Angela moved her hands under his shirt and felt the heat of his skin, she felt Jordan shift under her and went weak thinking of how close he was. Jordan kissed her face and along her neck while his fingers rubbed against her bra strap. He wanted her, had to have her, he tried to work out how to subtly move them to the back seat.

A light turned on and there was a crash as trash can fell over, they heard Danielle yell something about a cat.

Reality broke into their world and Jordan realized where he was, he couldn't follow through on his thoughts not in front of her house with her sister within ear shot, well, yes he could, but no, he shouldn't. Angela seemed to sense the change in him and pulled back with a sly smile, whenever he stopped she just wanted him more.

There was another sound, this time from a car across the street, Angela guessed it was probably Brian.

_Oh god Brian Krakow could probably see us. _

Angela sighed and moved back to her original seat, nothing kills the mood like Brian Krakow. She kissed Jordan again before opening the door. He grabbed her hand and pulled her back into her seat before she could leave.

"I like you too," he whispered.

A smile broke across Angela's face and she thought it might wrap itself around her entire head.

* * *

**I know, I know, utter fluff hehe.**


	14. Chapter 14

**AN: Thanks so much everyone who's been reading this; I am becoming unusually obsessed with checking my story traffic haha. I've gotten some feedback on Cree and I'm so glad people like her - if you don't that's okay. If you have any questions for me about any of what I write please ask me, I love discussing this (just ask my husband). So here's chapter 14, please read & review**

**I don't own MSCL**

* * *

_There's this cupboard in our kitchen now, that like, holds all of my dad's spices and sauces. My mother can't bring herself to use them, like as if she dared to flavor our food it would be because of him, like, she'd owe him or something. Everything tastes like water and salt now. I hate that when he left he took the smell of our house with him. _

"Angela, you know you don't have to do this." Sharon's words passed through her mind as she sucked down on her milkshake. Angela could see the front window of her father's restaurant across the street. She looked back at her friend; she did have to do this. The constant reminders of her father were scattered throughout the house and she knew he'd be back to get them. Angela couldn't bare the idea of her father just showing up, she needed to be prepared, she needed to see him on her terms. He'd tried to call her since he left but Angela refused the calls, she wasn't ready for his voice. Was she ready now?

"I know," she responded to Sharon, "I'm just sick of him being out there."

"Yeah," Sharon said as she stuck another fry into her mouth.

They were sitting in a small diner which was located almost opposite Graham's restaurant. Angela had figured it would work as a place to hide out or something until she could muster the courage to face him. They'd been there for over an hour.

The waitress bustled over to them. "More of the same?" she asked indicating Angela's now finished milkshake.

Angela looked at Sharon and Sharon looked up at the waitress, "We're good for now," she said.

The waitress muttered something and walked off again.

Sharon looked back at her friend, she could see the worry in her face, "You could do it tomorrow, or maybe even next week."

Angela bit her lip and tried to make the effort to get out of her head, "So, how's Kyle?"

Sharon noticed the apparent subject change and decided not to push it, "He's fine I guess, haven't seen him in a few weeks." She waited for the appropriate response from Angela but got none, "I just decided it was time to really move on, and I'm glad and it's good." Sharon again waited for some response from Angela but she was only met with a glazed expression.

"That's good," Angela said absently.

"Okay," Sharon said getting her bag and standing up, "come on we're going, you can't do this." She hoisted her bag onto her shoulder and reached her hand out for Angela. Angela grabbed her hand and forced her back in her seat.

"Look," Angela hissed through her clenched teeth and motioned towards the door. Sharon noticed that all the color had drained from Angela's face, she shifted cautiously around to catch a glimpse of the door.

"Oh my god," Sharon cupped her hand over her mouth and tried to retreat to the far corner of the booth. Graham and that Hallie person were about to enter the diner.

Angela grabbed the menu and tried to hide herself behind it.

"Oh my god," Angela breathed.

"Why are they here?" Sharon hissed.

Angela indicated for her to be quiet, though she was sure the sound of her heart pounding would give them away. Her father was here and he was with _her_. Angela had overheard enough from Camille Cherski to know that Hallie Lowenthal played no small part in her father's actions.

Angela slowly peeked out from behind the menu, her father and the woman were standing near the counter. She could hear the woman loudly ordering two coffees to go. Angela breathed out in relief as she heard those last two words, they would go. She took in the appearance of her father, it had felt like years since she'd last seen him. He was still the same person though he did look older or maybe just tired. His eyes never seemed to leave Hallie and there was something about the way his hand was almost touching the small of her back.

Angela felt a wave of fury travel down her spine, before she knew what she was doing she'd grabbed Sharon and stormed out of the diner. She didn't know if her father had seen her, she didn't look back, the reality of everything that he'd done just seemed to pound down upon her. He was with her, he wanted somebody else, he left her mother for that woman. The anger fueled Angela down the street and around the corner with Sharon in tow.

* * *

"Thanks," Rayanne said as she turned the key over in her hands. She looked up at her father, she could never get over how much older he looked now, his blonde hair had turned whiter in some areas and he'd started to go bald at the back of his head. The creases around his eyes were more defined and his teeth had begun to yellow from his pack a day habit. He was a far cry from the photo that she'd had of him.

"Getting a house, well it's kind of a big deal isn't it?"

Her father smirked at her, "I suppose."

"Well, what happens when like, France or something calls you?"

"France isn't going to call me."

"Really?" Rayanne tilted her head and looked at him from the corner of her eye.

"Really," he said letting a smile break over his face. "You want more?" he asked motioning towards her finished bowl.

"Nah, I'm good." Rayanne turned her attention back to the key. A _key_, that meant like commitment or something didn't it? That meant a person didn't care if you just showed up, you could just be there, like, around them. Rayanne absently sucked on her spoon as she tried to imagine what kind of food her father cooked or if he always left the toilet seat up.

They were sitting outside an old Italian cafe, which her father decided had the best gelato around, Rayanne just liked that he knew about stuff like, gelato. It had become an almost weekly tradition, Rayanne hadn't really had a tradition before, well if you don't count getting loaded and cutting class. It had taken her a while to feel comfortable around him and she still didn't feel completely at ease. Rayanne was sure that he would take off again and they would go back to the seldom birthday card and odd phone call, but a _house_, surely that meant something.

Rayanne was kicked out of her thoughts as she saw a flash of red storm past her, she stared after it and recognized the back of Angela's head, then Sharon Cherski almost crashed straight into her.

"Whoa, Cherski, where's the fire?" Rayanne asked grabbing a hold of Sharon's arm. Sharon turned to look at her and Rayanne noticed the pained expression in Sharon's face. Rayanne immediately got to her feet.

"Uh, I'll be right back, maybe," she said to the surprised expression on her father's face. She turned and followed after Sharon in the direction Angela had gone. Rayanne could tell by Sharon's silence that it must be something bad, not just Angela bad, but _bad_ bad.

They had rushed past another few shops when they noticed an upset trash can and a disgruntled looking cat. Rayanne peered down the small alleyway and could make out the small pile of shaking flannel and red hair.

"Angelica," she said rushing forward and putting her arms around her. Angela collapsed her face into Rayanne's shoulder and let the tears flow.

Angela hadn't cried for her dad again since he'd left, but seeing him, seeing him with _her_, it was like he was leaving all over again.

Sharon sat down on the other side of Angela and rubbed her hand over her back. Angela slowly stopped shaking and lifted her head from Rayanne. Rayanne patted her shoulder and looked at her in concern. Angela tried to manage a faint smile to both of them, she felt slightly embarrassed over causing such a scene.

"You know," Sharon said at last, "I think we just dined and ditched back there."

Angela stared at her and a smile slowly broke across her face, she tried to hide it with her hand but a short burst of laughter broke through. Rayanne and Sharon looked at each other and both bursted into laughter as well.

"Oh god," Angela said taking a deep breath and pushing her hair back on her head, "I just can't believe it."

"Hey," Sharon said taking her hand, "it'll be okay."

"But who does he think he is? I mean, what gives him the right?"

Rayanne tried to think of something to say but she wasn't actually sure what was going on, so she just patted Angela's knee and tried to be supportive.

"It was her dad," Sharon said seeming to see the need to fill Rayanne in.

Angela put her face back in her hands.

"It's okay, you don't have to tell me," Rayanne said not wanting to push her for information. Her friendship with Angela was still pretty threadbare to say the least.

"Angela," Sharon said leaning in and stroking her arm, "um, can we like get out of this alley, I'm worried that somebody has probably peed like, right where you're sitting."

Angela sighed and reached out her hands for her friends to pull her up. They brushed themselves off and walked back onto the street. Angela blinked as they entered the sunlight, an older man carrying a few grocery bags almost ran into them, it felt odd that the street was still so busy.

Rayanne noticed her father a couple of shops up, he was looking about and Rayanne could see what she guessed was worry on his face. Her dad met her stare and came jogging up to them.

"Hey," he said, puffing as he reached them.

"Hey," Rayanne said, "um this is Angela and Sharon."

Her father smiled at the girls.

"This is Frank, my uh dad."

"Hi mr Graff," Sharon said extending her hand.

"It's Frank," he replied shaking her hand. He smiled at Angela and took in her somewhat shaken up appearance. "You girls need a ride home or something?"

* * *

Rayanne's father's car was well, normal, which seemed out of place for Rayanne. He had one of those upper middle class sedans and he talked loudly about what a great deal he had gotten.

_Why do adults think we'd care about the deal they got on anything? _

Sharon tried to make conversation with him and Rayanne fiddled with the radio. Angela stared out of the window caught up in her mind. She half heard Rayanne tell Sharon that her dad was a consultant or something, it felt weird that Rayanne's dad was anything. What was he even doing here?

Angela recognized her street and realized that the car had stopped moving.

"Thanks for the uh, ride," she said getting out. She gave Rayanne a half smile and Rayanne waved as the car pulled off again.

Angela turned and took the steps to her house; she had left there this morning feeling strong and determined and now it was like the wind had been knocked out of her.

"Is that you Angela?" her mother called as Angela came through the door.

"Yeah," Angela muttered.

"Where have you been?" Patty asked coming out of the kitchen, "Your father called looking for you, he said you'd barge out of a diner in some furious state."

"Well, if you knew where I was, why'd you ask?" Angela wasn't sure why she was yelling, it had something to do with the way her mother had just naturally spoken about her father, like they spoke all the time or something.

"Are you okay?" Patty asked surprised by Angela's sudden out burst.

Angela stared at her mother and the feelings of the day coursed through her. Her mother was alone, she had been left. Angela's breath caught in her throat, the thought that something like that could just happen so easily to anyone, made her head spin. Tears started to spring to her eyes as she looked at her mother, she couldn't tell her what she'd seen, she couldn't tell her any of it.

Angela held back the oncoming tears and pushed past her mother to the stairs and up to her room.

Patty stared after her daughter, she gripped the top of the chair she was standing next to and bit her lip. She took a deep breath and slowly walked back to the kitchen to continue pouring Graham's favorite sauces down the sink.

* * *

**Okay, that was the first chapter without Jordan; I miss him now. **


	15. Chapter 15

**AN: All Jordan, all the time, yes.**

**I don't own MSCL**

* * *

Jordan tensed his fists, it was something he'd always done when he was near his old man, it was better to be ready. Jordan could hear his father in the kitchen, he thought about just staying in his room, but he was awake now and the longer he stayed the more suffocating the house would get.

He pulled his jeans on and grabbed his keys off the shelf. The door to the garage was located just outside the kitchen, he'd have to walk straight past him. Jordan was sure his father wouldn't do anything but it didn't stop the ache in his stomach or his fists from tensing. Why was he even there? His father had taken the late shift at the plant almost 2 years ago and it had made living in the house almost bearable. Jordan had learnt that if he was silent in the mornings and not back at the house before 8 o'clock, he could go for weeks without actually seeing him.

Jordan closed his eyes and tried to calculate how much cash he would need for his own place; it was always more than he had. He tightened his grip around his keys and walked silently past the kitchen. He didn't pause once before reaching his car, he turned the engine over and backed it out of the garage. Jordan cautioned a look back at the house, he caught the image of his father glaring at him from the window.

_Fucking madman._

Jordan ripped the car into gear and peeled off down the street. He turned the music up louder and let the sound swell around his head. Fear and anger coursed through him and he tightened his grip on the steering wheel. Jordan hated that his father could still effect him so much, he'd rather be numb.

Jordan cut the engine and looked up at Angela's house, he hadn't intended to go there, he just always seemed to end up there. Jordan was almost an hour early to pick her up for school, he closed his eyes and thought about just waiting in his car but he didn't particularly want to be alone with his thoughts. He looked back up at the house, he wanted to hear Angela ramble on about the beauty of the sun or something.

"Uh, hey," Jordan mumbled as Patty answered the door.

"Hey," Patty smiled at him. She looked better these days, not as fragile maybe. "Coffee?"

Jordan half smiled at her and followed her through to the kitchen. He liked not having to explain why he was there so early, he hadn't really prepared an explanation. He sat down at the counter as Patty poured the coffee.

"Thanks," he said, reaching for the sugar. Patty smiled and passed him a bowl and the cereal.

"I think she's in the shower."

Jordan tried to keep his mind from picturing that statement, he failed and hid his smile behind his cup. Patty left the kitchen and he heard her yell up to Danielle to get ready. Even with everything that had happened Angela's house still felt more like a home than his did.

"Mom, I'm up," Danielle muttered rubbing her eyes as she came into the kitchen. She stopped short at the sight of Jordan. "What are you doing here?" she asked, eyeing him off.

Jordan couldn't think how to answer her and her gaze made him feel uncomfortable. He shrugged and offered her the cereal.

"Don't you have cereal at your house?"

"Be quiet Danielle," Patty said coming back in and patting her on the head.

"Whatever," Danielle mumbled and poured herself a bowl.

Jordan hid behind his coffee and silently watched Patty hound Danielle with questions about school and if she'd done her homework. Danielle would steal glances at him occasionally but she mostly just lapped up the attention from her mother.

"Mom, I'm out of shampoo," Angela said entering the kitchen still drying her hair with a towel, her mouth fell open in surprise as she saw Jordan.

"Okay, I'll go to the store," Patty responded looking up at her daughter, she smiled as she caught Angela's expression.

"You're _boyfriend's_ here," Danielle sung and Angela's face turned red.

"Hey," she said making her way over to Jordan, "am I running insanely late or something?"

Jordan met her eyes and shook his head.

"Okay," she said eyeing him suspiciously. Angela snatched the cereal back from Danielle and made herself a bowl. She leant back on the counter and watched Jordan thoughtfully as she ate. Jordan shifted uncomfortably in his seat, it was starting to get crowded in here.

"I'll be right back, then we can go," she said putting her bowl in the sink and heading back to her room.

Jordan decided she could meet him at the car.

"Thanks," he said getting up from his place.

"Don't mention it," Patty responded.

Jordan half smiled and headed back in the direction of the door.

"_Bye_," Danielle called after him.

* * *

Angela curled up into the car door and rested her head against the glass; her mind was still on her father and the discoveries of yesterday. Jordan found her silence unsettling, he tried to think of something to bring her out of it.

"Can you get the bus home today?" Angela slowly moved her attention towards him. "Brain said he'd stay late 'cause of finals."

"Yeah...that's fine," Angela shifted closer to him and tucked her hair behind her ear, "I should probably study anyway."

"I can come by later, if you want."

"Yeah, maybe." Angela leaned into him and buried her face into his shoulder. Jordan wrapped his arm around her and pulled her closer. She kissed him softy on the neck and he tried to keep his concentration on the road. It was still so weird that even the smallest touch from Angela could knock all the sense out of him.

Jordan pulled into the school car park, it was empty except for a few cars. He turned the engine off and turned to look at Angela, he brushed his hand over her cheek and studied the fullness of her lips, he just wanted not to think. Angela looked up at him, she still seemed distracted, he could almost hear the thoughts turning over in her mind. Jordan continued to move his hand through her hair, he didn't want to hear her words anymore, he just needed to kiss her.

Angela's lips met his but only softly. She broke the kiss and leant back in the seat. Jordan continued to kiss along her neck; Angela ran her fingers through his hair and stared out of the windscreen.

"Do you ever wonder why they leave?" her voice was small and her eyes continued to study the fence outside.

Jordan pretended not to hear, he tried to drawer her attention back to him but Angela only kissed him for a second before sighing and moving away again.

"Who?" he said defeatedly.

"Them, parents I suppose or just people leaving people."

Jordan didn't want to think about that, he didn't want to think about anything. He chewed on his thumb and forced his mind to come up with something that would satisfy her.

"I dunno," he said softly, leaning towards her, "maybe it was like, all they could do."

Angela turned her face towards him and met his eyes.

"Like, a last resort or something?" she whispered.

"Yeah."

Angela closed the small distance between them with her kiss. Jordan groaned and pulled her closer. He moved his hands under her shirt and along her back, losing himself in the touch of her skin and the sweetness of her mouth. There was something about the way Angela would kiss him, like, it all held some meaning or something, it was intense. Jordan lifted her up slightly and moved her down into the seat, he pressed his body against hers and kissed further down her neck and along the top of her breasts. He heard Angela gasp and hold her breath, he grinned to himself and moved back up meeting her mouth with the fulness of his. Jordan moved his hand over her shirt and grasped her breast gently, his fingers explored and rubbed and pressed; the feel of her curves made all the blood rush from his head. He deepened the kiss and grazed his hand along the top of her shorts. He felt Angela flinch and brought his hand up under her shirt running his fingers along her bra. She felt so soft, so smooth, the heat from her body washed over him and his mind gave way to the fog.

"Jordan," Angela gasped, grabbing his hand as he started to unbutton her shirt.

Jordan was barely aware that she'd spoken, he moved his hand back up to her face and kissed her deeply.

"Jordan," Angela said again when he finally released her, "we're at school."

"We could leave."

Angela laughed and held his face with her hands, "Not yet," she whispered.

Jordan kissed her again and she wrapped her arms around him. He willed his mind to focus, he couldn't, she was still pressed against him. He kissed the side of her face and cursed the quickly filling car park.

"You should go then," he breathed. Jordan hesitantly pushed himself off her, Angela sat back up and tried to straighten out her shirt.

"Are you coming?" she asked.

Jordan leant back in and kissed her softly. "I'll be a while," he said giving her a sly smile.

Jordan watched Angela as she made her way up the steps and into the building, he noticed Ricky walking in behind her and liked that she'd have someone to talk to. He turned the radio back on and sunk back in his seat, it would be a while before he could go anywhere. Angela seemed to be getting bolder each time they made out, Jordan never thought he could posses so much patience, he wondered if it might run out soon. Jordan tried to keep his thoughts on Angela, on the band, on the good stuff but the image of his father always seemed to be in the background. He mightn't hit Jordan anymore but his old man still managed to find other ways to hurt him. Jordan closed his eyes and shook his head, trying to silence his thoughts.

The bell rung and Jordan decided to clear his mind before getting to class. He walked up to the bleachers and noticed Shane sitting on the ground. They hadn't hung out as much since Angela, even with the band and everything, it was still different. Shane was listening to his walkman and didn't notice Jordan come up behind him. Jordan spied a cassette case on the ground next to Shane.

"What's this?" he asked snatching it up.

Shane took his headphones off and tried to grab the case back from Jordan's hand. Jordan grinned and lifted it higher.

"It's nothing," Shane grumbled getting to his feet. He tried to take it back again but Jordan kept him at arms length.

"Sure," Jordan smirked.

"Fine, whatever," Shane said digging his hands through his pockets for a smoke.

Jordan examined his find; the track list had been cut up and stuck all over the outside. He read through the names and lifted his eyes to Shane.

"Who made it?"

"Nobody," Shane said inhaling his cigarette and kicking his foot against the pole.

"They're your fucking soulmate," Jordan said chucking him the case, "I don't know half those bands."

"Yeah," Shane muttered, turning the case over in his hand and shoving it in his pocket.

Jordan pulled a cigarette out from behind his ear and lit it.

"Still seeing her then?"

"I guess," Shane said as smoke exited his mouth, "I mean, what kind of chick likes The Smiths and Rites of Spring?"

"Your kind of chick."

"Shut up," Shane said punching Jordan in the arm.

Jordan grinned at him, he kind of liked what was happening to Shane.

"We got rehearsal tonight?"

"Nah," Shane smirked at him, "we're gonna get high and talk about our feelings."

* * *

Jordan sat in the tutoring lab and dug at the corner of the desk with his thumb; the whole day had seemed like a blur. He'd hung with Shane at lunch, not because he didn't want to eat with Angela but just in some effort to see Shane more. It had always been them against everything else and it was good to have at least one consistent person in your life. Now Jordan had Angela, but would she always be there? Would he always be there?

Brian finished reading the paper and looked up at Jordan.

"Well, you're definitely getting it," he said handing the paper back, "I mean, this shows that you read the book."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah, but you didn't really answer the question."

"Well," Jordan said scratching the back of his head, "the question didn't make any sense."

"You mean, _explain why Holden wants to be the catcher in the rye_?"

"Well yeah, he kinda just moans about for the whole book and doesn't really do anything."

"Well, the point is he's kind of like, stuck. He knows he's got to grow up only, he detests that whole world, but he can't like, go back to being a kid or whatever."

Jordan creased his brow and thought about what Brian had said.

"What's that got to do with the catcher thing?"

"Well, it's like a metaphor. Like, the catcher is this guy who would stop kids running about in fields from falling off this dangerous cliff and the cliff in Holden's mind is the same as falling into the whole adult world, he'd like to be able to save the kids from that."

Jordan chewed thoughtfully on the end of his pen; it wouldn't be long before he turned 18 and the impending reality of adulthood seemed all to close. He'd never really given much thought to what he wanted to do, leaving had always been at the top of the list. He hadn't even considered that he could possibly pass finals this year, that he could maybe even graduate. People that graduate, they could go on to do all kinds of stuff. What could he do though? Try and make it with the band and when that failed work in a garage? Was he capable of anything else? Angela thought he was, Angela looked at him like his whole life was important or something. What if she found out it wasn't?

"But he can't really save them, can he?" Jordan asked pressing his pen into the paper.

Brian's eyes studied the wall behind Jordan as the question pushed through his mind.

"No, not really."


	16. Chapter 16

**AN: Please read and review :)**

_The hopelessness of high school has really been getting to me lately. There's all this pressure to regurgitate everything we've learned all year. I mean, I just don't see the point of forcing our minds full of all this information, when, aren't our minds already full, of what actually matters?_

Angela chewed on her pen and stared down at the exam paper; she had spent the previous hour cramming with Sharon in the girl's room. Somehow the circle she was staring at still refused to make sense, Angela folded her arms on the desk and rested her head against them. She stole a look at the students around her; some were staring at the ceiling and others were madly punching formulas into calculators.

Angela lifted herself up and fixed her eyes back on the problem, she tightened her mouth in concentration and scrawled out the answer as best she could. The bell rung and Ms Lerner called for pens down, the rest of the class piled out into the hall, Angela slowly put her pen down and followed them out.

The hallway was the usual buzz of jocks pushing guys like Brian against lockers and girls fussing with their hair. Angela sighed to herself and shoved her books back in her locker; only a few more days.

"So, are you coming?" Rayanne asked chewing on her candy bracelet. Angela looked up at her; Rayanne's hair was pulled back in a braid which seemed to give birth to other tiny braids, Angela smiled at the intriguing mess.

_I'm not all that sure when that wall between Rayanne and I had come down. I don't think it's something either of us will ever talk about._

"Where?"

"I'm sure she is," Ricky said leaning against Angela's locker, "You forget that Angela probably knew before you knew."

"Knew what?"

"Oh yes, I do forget that our little Angela is a regular social butterfly."

"What are you two talking about?"

"She's grown up," Ricky sighed and dramatically put his arm around Angela's shoulder, "what's become of our little flower?"

"Don't you mean who took her little flower?"

"Why yes, I do believe it was Jordan Catalano who did pick her from the ground."

Rayanne dramatically put her hand to her head and collapsed into Ricky. They both burst into laughter at their little performance.

"No, but seriously," Rayanne said as they started walking down the hall, "Friday night, Tino's."

"Oh yeah, I knew about that," Angela said as she pushed open the door to the girl's room.

Ricky gave Rayanne a knowing look and they broke into laughter again.

"It's weird though isn't it?" Angela said as she stared at herself in the mirror.

"What?" Rayanne asked as she reapplied her lipstick.

"I mean, Tino's," Angela turned around and leant against the sink, "it was like one of the first times I actually spoke to, you know..."

"And now, you two do anything but speak?"

"Yeah," Ricky said as he fiddled with the cross around his neck, "it's like you've come full circle, or something."

"Yeah," Angela said absently.

"So, does that mean that you're finally gonna do it?" Rayanne asked fixing her braid.

"What?"

"You know, the notorious _it_."

"Well yeah, I knew _that_. I dunno, I guess that kinda makes sense, in a way."

"I mean, the fact that you two haven't yet just shows," Rayanne turned and smiled at Angela, "just how much he like, wants you."

Angela blushed.

"Well yeah," Ricky said, "it's not like it was before, you're really together now." Ricky sighed and absently put his hand on his chest, "It's just all so romantic, you know, that he's waited for you."

"Besides, he's bound to explode soon if you don't." Ricky shot Rayanne a look. "Just saying, from like a medical perspective."

_Sex, with Jordan Catalano. It was still something I thought about, like, constantly. It would be the next step, the evolution of our relationship, or whatever. _

"It would be a relief," Angela said as they sat down in the sun.

"The sex?" Rayanne asked biting into her apple.

"Yeah, I mean, to just stop thinking about it, to just do it."

"And then you can do it again."

"Oh god, _again_?"

"Well yeah," Rayanne grinned leaning closer to Angela, "like, constantly."

_There was this sick feeling forming in my stomach, like when you've just been told that you're first to say your speech in front of the class. _

"I should go," Angela said standing up, "I've still got to study for English and I promised Jordan I'd help him so..."

"Well, don't let us keep you." Rayanne said chucking her apple against the fence.

Ricky shot Rayanne another look, "It's okay," he said, "we'll see you later."

Angela readjusted her purse. "Okay, later."

They watched as Angela disappeared around the corner. Ricky looked back at Rayanne and rolled his eyes.

"What?" She asked defensively.

"Oh, don't what me," he said getting up and walking over to the fence.

"Well, excuse me, I was only trying to help," Rayanne said joining him.

"You shouldn't push her so much, I mean, you've only just gotten her back."

"She brought it up."

Ricky tugged at one of the links in the fence and looked up at Rayanne, "I've just, I've missed us, you know?"

"Yeah, I know," Rayanne said looking past Ricky's shoulder, she could just make out Angela walking over to the red car.

* * *

Jordan was stretched out on the trunk of his car smoking a cigarette. Angela could hear the car radio blaring as she approached.

"Uh, hey," Angela said as she reached him. Jordan rolled over onto his stomach and looked up at her; a smile started to tug at the corners of his mouth.

"Thought you were with you know..."

"Well, yeah, I was, I just," Angela shifted her weight and pulled a piece of her hair behind her ear, "How...how are you?"

Jordan smiled at her and sat up, he moved over so he was sitting on the edge of his car, "fine." Jordan flicked his cigarette to the ground and reached out for Angela's hand pulling her over to him so that she was caught between his knees. "How are you?"

Angela felt her face burn as Jordan moved his hands over her arms. "Is that Sonic Youth?" She asked as the tape started the next song.

Jordan smiled and kissed her. Angela pressed her lips back against his, Jordan wrapped his arms around her and everything else seemed to melt away. She pressed her hand against his thigh and wrapped her fingers around one of the belt loops of his jeans. Jordan tightened his hold on her; with his arms and his legs, the heat from his body made Angela's head spin. She gripped his belt loop with her thumb and slowly ran her index finger along the slightly exposed skin; she could feel the top of his boxers and her right knee went slightly weak at the possibility of everything.

Jordan broke the kiss and ran his thumb over her bottom lip.

"Wanna get out of here?"

Angela kissed his thumb and smiled at him, the words slowly started to echo through her mind. Then the song on the radio started to seep through, reality slowly came cracking back in and Angela realized what it was he was asking her. She lifted herself up slightly from Jordan's grip and stared into the blue of his eyes.

"Shouldn't we, you know, study, or something?" Angela cringed inwardly as the words exited her mouth; she was so used to saying no that it just came out first.

Jordan closed his eyes and loosened his hold on Angela; he tried to summon what remained of his patience.

"We could do that," he said opening his eyes and running his hand through her hair.

"It's just with finals and everything, I mean, it's a lot going on."

"Whatever," Jordan shrugged and moved around Angela to get off his car. He was getting sick of her constant need for excuses, just say yes or no, stop having to explain everything. He opened the driver's side door and slid into the seat. He hadn't really meant to get in the car, it was just auto pilot or something.

Angela watched him in confusion, Jordan looked up and met her eyes. Angela didn't know if she was supposed to get in the car or not; was he wanting to take her away or get away? Angela shifted her weight and opened her mouth to tell him that she should probably get her English notes back from Sharon, but the words just didn't come out. Jordan turned the engine over and the sound seemed to bring back all the similar images she had of him, just driving off, without her.

"Well, later," Jordan said as he jerked the car into gear.

_If I was capable of anything, if I was amazing and free, I would just get into Jordan Catalano's car._

Angela's feet were cemented to the footpath as she watched the car make its way out of the parking lot.

* * *

Angela dumped her backpack on the kitchen table; somehow the bus ride home was more depressing than she remembered. She hadn't seen Jordan for the rest of the day, she'd made a deal with God that if Jordan was just leaning against his car, waiting for her, as she walked down the steps, then she would study for the rest of the night, God didn't come through.

Angela sighed and stared into her fridge, with all the food in there, there was still nothing to eat. She pulled out the orange juice and poured herself a glass. The front door opened and Angela could hear Danielle yelling that she was home.

_My father had started picking Danielle up from school; he had started like, existing again and I still couldn't bring myself to look him fully in the face. He would try and ask me things; like how he did before, like how's school, only it's not just how's school, it's like, how's your life. _

Angela put the orange juice away, grabbed her backpack and silently crept up the stairs; forced conversation with her father was the last thing she was in the mood for.

"It's okay, he's gone," Danielle said coming into Angela's room, "you can stop hiding."

Angela shot her sister a look, "I wasn't hiding."

"Yeah right."

"I'm just, uh, just get out Danielle."

"Fine," Danielle pulled a face at Angela and slammed the door behind her.

Angela sighed and grabbed her English notes out of her bag. She tried to read through them but none of the information actually reached her mind; they were just words, letters, shapes. Angela threw her notes onto the floor and collapsed back onto her bed. Her thoughts were thick with Jordan and this next step that they must inevitably take.

_What if I'm completely terrible at it?_

Angela screwed her face up at the thought. Often the times with Jordan she liked the most were when he would explain about the stick shift, or talk about the new song he was writing, or subtly hold her hand while he spoke to Shane. It felt natural and relaxed, he was real. Making out was another story; it was incredible, Jordan could make her feel, well she still didn't have words for some of these feelings, it was exciting but it was also scary as hell. Every time his hand would find some way new to touch her it would remind Angela just how much more experienced Jordan was.

Angela reached for her notebook; it had been getting a work out lately. She found comfort in the tangibility of her thoughts; her head only seemed to amplify each problem, her notebook offered space and relief.

Thoughts, about the thought.  
The words betray my insides;  
All I need is time.

The clock gently mocks me.  
And time betrays my actions;  
All I need is space.

The distance holds me at arms length.  
But space betrays my heart;  
All I need is you.

Angela underlined the last word and scratched her pen absently against the paper. She needed Jordan; needed him not to drive away again, needed to feel the roughness of his fingers, needed the blue of his eyes and his lazy way with words.

_Friday night._


	17. Chapter 17

**AN: Happy Valentines Day! I hope you like this chapter, I kind of love it haha. Please review :)**

* * *

Angela held the blue dress against her and stared at herself in the mirror; she sighed and threw it on top of the growing pile on her bed.

_There are some things in life that you just cannot dress for._

She searched through the pile and pulled out the black dress she'd tried on earlier; it would have to do. Angela paired it with her red flannel shirt and the pair of docs she'd brought with Cree. She pulled at her hair, hoping it would become interesting, and settled with putting a small plait in the front. Angela fixed her eyeliner and examined her efforts; she kind of liked that she looked different, still like her but also not.

Angela looked at the clock for the hundredth time and felt the knot in her stomach grow. Jordan would be here soon, as far as she knew he had no idea what was going to happen, what Angela had planned would happen anyway. The past few days had been good; she'd managed to get through the rest of her finals and was kind of confident that she'd done okay. It had been hard to look at Jordan though; each time he would smile or hold her hand it would cause electricity to shoot down Angela's spine. She was a bundle of nerves and excitement and dread. In a matter of three days Angela had managed to talk herself out of it and then back into it again, well too many times to count.

Angela sat on the end of her bed and tried to focus on the Smashing Pumpkins song that was pounding through her stereo but then it only reminded her of how Jordan got her that tape and then she was right back to where she started. Angela sighed loudly and turned the stereo off, as she pressed the power button she heard the doorbell ring.

_Oh god._

Angela checked her reflection one last time before heading down the stairs. She took a deep breath as she stood in front of the door and slowly turned the handle.

"Uh, hi."

Angela stared in bewilderment as her father stood nervously on the door step. Graham shifted his weight and scratched the back of his head. Angela's eyes narrowed, somewhere in her mind the fact that her father had just rung the doorbell to his own house really pissed her off.

"Danielle's not here." She tried to remove any emotion from her voice as she stared past his shoulder.

"Oh, um well, I came to see you," Graham's words hung in that dead space between them, "can I come in?"

Angela tightened her grip on the door knob and looked at her father.

"No."

He didn't belong there anymore. Angela thought about just slamming the door in his face, it would show him wouldn't it? Show him that he couldn't just show up or leave again when he felt like it. There was still that part of Angela though that had all the questions, that needed to speak to him, needed to understand. As she looked at him just standing there, all hopeless, that part won through. Angela walked out onto the patio and closed the door behind her.

"So?" Angela folded her arms and studied her boots.

"So? Um...well, how's school?"

"What?" Angela shot a look at him. "I thought you wanted to speak to me?" Angela hoped her words sounded sharp; she was sick of his continued creeping, his walking on eggshells, she could feel the anger start to well up inside her.

"I do, I just..." Graham sighed and looked at his daughter, "What do you want me to say Angela?"

"God, I dunno, how about I'm sorry or...or why did you leave?" Angela tucked her hair behind her ear, "Because I mean, I've heard it, why you left but I'd like to hear it from you."

"Look, well, it's complicated."

"Complicated?" Angela shouted at him. "What I'm not going to understand because I'm a child? You had an affair!" The words were out; Angela realized that she'd never said them out loud before. She hugged her arms around herself and stared out onto the street. "Well, you did, didn't you?" Her voice was cold.

"I am sorry," Graham whispered, "but it's hard Angela, things happen sometimes, if you want them to or not." Graham waited for a response from his daughter but was only met with silence. "It was just better this way."

Angela turned and glared at him, "Better? How? How is this," she raised her arms in the air, "better?"

"It...it just is."

"So, what you leave? I don't believe this, my whole life you tell me to be responsible, and you what? You leave?"

"I am being responsible," Graham almost shouted at her. "Look, things happened and now I have to deal with them."

Angela looked at him in disbelief as tears started to form at the corners of her eyes.

"Well, just tell me, cause, I mean, I'd really like to know," Angela's voice shook under the words, "what's so important that you abandon your family? What, we're too much effort? You're having a mid-life crisis? You got her pregnant..."

"That's enough Angela," Graham shouted cutting her off.

Graham stared at her and Angela could see that his eyes had glassed over.

"She's pregnant?" Angela's voice was just above a whisper.

Graham closed his eyes and tensed his face. Angela stared at him as his continued silence seemed to affirm her fear. She opened her mouth to yell, to scream, to cry, anything, but nothing came out. It was as if the floor of Angela's world had collapsed and any moment she would just fall into nothing. Angela bit her lip as the knowledge shook through her.

"Angela," Graham looked at her pleadingly, "I..."

The familiar sound of Jordan's car broke through her thoughts, she watched as it pulled up to the curb, Angela took one last look at her father, at the hopelessness and insecurity that seemed to surround him, dug her fingers into her palms and made her escape.

* * *

The noise of the engine and the sound of the radio helped to drown out Angela's thoughts; she was vaguely aware of Jordan's hand on her knee, she felt numb. Jordan was speaking, saying something but the words didn't reach her mind. She tried to concentrate on the music, on whatever he was saying, but it was like trying to grab onto some fraction of reality.

Angela felt the car stop and looked out her window at the mass of people strewn across Tino's lawn. Without waiting for Jordan she got out of the car and headed towards the deafening noise of whatever band was playing.

"Hey, Angela," Jordan called as he tried to catch up with her. "Hey," he said taking her hand. Angela looked up at him and Jordan could see the absence in her face. He touched her cheek softly, Angela turned her face away from him and started walking towards the party again.

"Hey Catalano," Shane called as he came up to them, "Angela," he gave her a quick smile. Shane offered Jordan one of the red cups he was holding, Angela took the cup from Shane's hand. Jordan's eyes narrowed in confusion as Angela took a gulp of the beer.

"Uh," Shane shot Angela a bemused look, "Tino's looking for you, so..." Shane motioned towards the house.

"Oh, okay," Jordan looked at Angela, "I'll be right back." Angela tried to manage a smile towards him before he walked away.

Angela took a sip of her drink and looked around at the people. She didn't feel like dealing with anybody and hoped that wherever Rayanne was would be far away from her. Angela noticed Shane and Cree standing near the house; Cree had stolen Shane's hat and was wearing it proudly, Shane was feigning annoyance, he pulled the hat over Cree's eyes, grinned and kissed her. Angela felt envious of the their playful exchange it looked so effortless. She finished off her drink and walked off to find another one.

Angela leant up against a tree and picked at the edges of her cup; she watched as the crowd of people moved around her, they all seemed to fit, to belong in this thoughtless and carefree lifestyle. Angela sighed and forced down her second beer.

Angela noticed a guy wearing a beat up leather jacket looking at her, he smiled, Angela quickly dropped her eyes to the ground but she could see that he'd started to walk over.

"Hey," he said as he reached her.

"Hey," Angela muttered.

"Had a good night?"

Angela shrugged and studied the empty cup in her hand.

"You want something harder?" he asked, taking Angela's cup from her and handing her a bottle of Jack Daniel's. Angela stared at the half empty bottle and picked at the edge of the label with her thumb. It reminded her of the bottle in Alice in Wonderland, _drink me_, the bottle had said, and Alice did. She drank to make herself small enough to run away, to escape. Angela cautiously raised the bottle to her lips, she gulped back the brown liquid and shuddered at the burn it caused in her throat.

"Thanks," she muttered handing the bottle back to him. The guy grinned at her and took a swig himself.

"So, what's your name?"

Angela reached her hand back out for the bottle and took another drink. The alcohol started to deaden the corners of her mind and Angela started to feel some form of relief.

Leather jacket guy rested his hand against the tree and leaned in slowly towards Angela. Angela nursed the bottle and rubbed her hand over her face before taking another gulp.

"Angela, what are you doing?" Jordan yelled as he grabbed the bottle from her hand and pushed the guy off her. "I've been looking for you everywhere."

"Take it easy man," said the leather jacket guy, Jordan shot him a fierce look. "Whatever, I didn't know," said the guy raising his palms in the air and backing off.

"What are you doing?" Jordan asked again looking back at Angela.

"What does it look like?" Angela snapped at him.

"You don't do _this_."

"Stop telling me what I do," she shouted at him.

Jordan rubbed the back of his head and studied her face.

"Well, tell me what's going on."

"You wouldn't understand," she muttered under her breath.

Jordan glared at her.

"Shut up!" she shouted at him again.

"Come on," Jordan grabbed her by her wrist and pulled her in the direction of his car.

"Jordan, stop stop, you're hurting me."

Jordan let go of her wrist and pulled his hands through his hair, "Who was that guy Angela?"

"I don't know," Angela muttered as she stared at the ground.

"What the hell was he doing with you like that?"

Angela shrugged her shoulders.

"You're _my_ girlfriend, right?"

Angela looked up at him; a faint moment of clarity broke through the fog in her mind.

"How would you like it if some girl was crawling all over me?"

"You've never called me that before."

"What?"

Angela gently touched his arm, "You've never said that before."

Jordan brushed her off and folded his arms.

"I'm sorry," Angela whispered.

Jordan chewed on his thumb and tried to gather his thoughts. "I'll take you home," he said cooly.

Angela could feel the tears sting the corners of her eyes, "No," she shook her head. "Can I..." Angela slowly touched his arm again, "...can I just be with you?"

Jordan softly touched her hand, "Is that what you want?"

Angela nodded her head and looked up at him; it was probably the effects of the alcohol but being with Jordan was the sole thought that occupied her mind. "I'm your girlfriend," she whispered.

A grin slipped over Jordan's face as she said those words, he wrapped his arms around her and pulled her into a tight hug.

"Come on," he said softly, kissing the top of her head.

Jordan led her the rest of the short distance to his car.

* * *

Jordan's house was dark and quiet; Angela followed him down the hall and into his room. She loved Jordan's bedroom; the posters on his walls, the old guitar that rested against his bed and the records, CDs and tapes scattered over the floor and on his shelves. It felt like being in a tangible expression of him.

Angela sighed and flopped onto his bed; the room spun as she landed and she gazed up at the ceiling willing it to stop moving. Jordan flicked through his records trying to find something to put on. Angela heard the music start and felt Jordan sit next to her on the bed.

"Who's this?" She asked toying with the edge of his sleeve and running her fingers over his wrist.

"Low."

"They're beautiful."

Jordan slowly leaned over her and ran his thumb over her bottom lip.

"You're beautiful."

Angela became lost in the eyes that gazed at her through the careless strands of hair, she felt her face burn red and smiled up at him.

"Does it hurt to look at me?" Angela cursed the alcohol for causing the words.

"What?" Jordan whispered but he kissed her before she could respond. Angela could feel his kiss echo through her entire body, she sighed and pulled him closer to deepen it. She was vaguely aware of where he moved his hands, it was all just one wall of sensation. The soft drone of the music seemed to match the intensity growing between them.

Angela wasn't sure how to communicate to Jordan that it was okay, that she was ready. She cautiously tugged his shirt up, hoping he'd get the message. Jordan sat up and pulled his shirt over his head. Angela reached up and ran her hand over his stomach, his skin felt so soft and Angela wondered if there'd ever been a more amazing person. Jordan tenderly touched her fingers and looked up at her.

"Are you sure?"

Angela smiled at him and nodded her head. Jordan looked at her hesitantly before a smile broke the edges of his mouth. He pressed his body back against hers and kissed her hungrily. Angela gasped as he moved his hand under her dress and along her thigh. He kissed down her neck as he pushed her dress up and ran his thumb across her panties.

Jordan lifted Angela up on the bed and pulled her dress off over her head. Angela felt embarrassment shoot through her; would he be turned off by the smallness of her breasts or the paleness of her skin? She cautioned a look at Jordan who was gazing at her with a lustful smile.

"What?" Angela nervously tucked her hair behind her ear.

"Nothin," Jordan's voice husked, "you're just, you're amazing."

"Shut up," Angela gushed.

Jordan grinned at her and pulled her into another kiss. Angela leant into him and brushed her hand through the softness of his hair. Jordan slowly broke the kiss and traced his index finger along her breasts. He bit his lip before leaning over to the shelf where he'd put his wallet. Angela stared after him.

"You just carry it around with you?"

Jordan smiled to himself.

Angela felt her nerves rush through her and she buried herself under Jordan's sheet.

"Jordan," Angela whispered as he joined her under the sheet, "will it hurt?"

Jordan tenderly kissed the side of her face.

"I'm not sure," he whispered, "it might, just tell me okay."

Angela nodded her head and Jordan kissed her again before pushing her panties off. Angela bit her lip and tried to shut her mind off, tried to block out the fact that she had no idea what to do.

* * *

**It's funny how chapters can take on a life of their own, I fully didn't intend for them to 'um' yet haha, hormones.**

**I wrote that scene really slowly but I understand that it could read a bit fast - so take your time :)**

**They were listening to 'I Could Live in Hope' by Low - released 1993. This album is so beautiful, I can't recommend it enough :) If you're not familiar with Low they get described as slowcore/shoegaze/indie rock - think dirty three, my bloody valentine etc.**


	18. Chapter 18

Angela softly traced over her reflection in the cool glass.

_You really can't tell can you? _

She slowly lifted her fingers to her mouth and gently touched her bottom lip.

_Maybe it was all just a dream, I've had that dream before. _

She blinked her eyes as the morning sun started to stream through her window.

_No, it was definitely real. _

Angela glanced over at her bed but decided against sleep; it would mean that the night had ended and she wasn't ready for anything to end, not yet. It had been, well it hadn't been like anything that she had expected, not that she really knew what to expect. It wasn't like what you see on TV sometimes, you know, before your parents make you change the channel, these people just frantically shouting stuff out. No, it was quiet and it was slow and it felt different, different to anything she had felt before.

_It was like this feeling, this realization, that this was the absolute closest I could possibly be to another person, the closest I could be to him. There was this part of me now that really belonged to Jordan Catalano and I had this part of him._

Angela heard her stomach growl and suddenly felt how hungry she was.

The house was still and quiet, it made Angela feel like a thief as she crept down the stairs and to the kitchen. She gently opened the pantry and went to grab the cereal but the thought of milk made her stomach turn. She stared blankly at the food weighing up the benefits of toast verses pop-tarts. Her mind drifted back to Jordan; the way he held her, like she had no need for a blanket and how they said everything in whispers even though they were there alone.

There was a soft tap against the kitchen door, Angela jumped slightly at the sound. She set the box of pop-tarts on the counter and cautiously opened the door. A smile started to spread itself across her face as she was met with the image of Jordan leaning in the doorway.

"Hey," he said through a sly smile.

"What are you doing here?"

"Couldn't sleep."

Angela felt her smile grow as she opened the door wider for him to come in.

"How are you, after you know, your _adventures_?" Jordan leant against the counter and picked at the box of pop-tarts. Angela narrowed her eyes and studied the box.

"Starving."

Jordan grinned at her, "This'll make you sick," he said putting the box back down. "You need something greasy."

Angela pulled a face at him.

"Trust me," he said placing his hands on her shoulders. He grinned to himself and started looking through her fridge.

Angela gazed at him.

_It was so weird seeing him; it was normal but at the same time my mind kept reminding me that we'd had sex, like, were we supposed to act different now? _

"Perfect," he said chucking her a box of frozen hash browns. Angela looked at him in disbelief but felt her stomach growl again and quickly dumped some on a tray and stuck it in the oven. Jordan poured her a glass of water and watched her intently as she drank.

"How's your head?"

Angela shrugged, "It's okay, haven't slept yet though."

Jordan smiled slightly and leant forward to kiss her.

"How's everything else?" he whispered.

"Fine," Angela smiled shyly, "how are you?"

"Fine." Jordan kissed her softly, it seemed to Angela that they were almost moving in slow motion. "So, what are you doing today?"

Angela felt the warmth of his breath against her face, "Nothing, why?"

Jordan smiled as he brushed the hair out of her eyes. "No reason," he replied as he kissed her softly again. Angela wrapped her arms around Jordan as he kissed her deeper.

_You know those times, where you are so heavily involved in like, this moment, that anything could happen and you just wouldn't notice? If this was my entire life, I don't think I'd mind._

Jordan backed Angela against the counter; she pulled herself up so that she was sitting on the top and wrapped her legs around him. Jordan smiled at her and kissed her face hungrily; Angela's stomach groaned loudly and Jordan burst into laughter. Angela closed her eyes as an embarrassed smile crossed her lips.

"I'm glad I amuse you," she said trying to sound serious.

Jordan stopped laughing and smiled at her lazily, "Sorry, you're just, you know." He gently tucked her hair behind her ear and stroked her jaw with his thumb.

"I'm just what?" she asked feeling lost in his touch.

"Just, I dunno," he closed his eyes, his mind was so easily lost in thoughts of her, "just everything," he whispered, "that's like, real." These words had been stumbling around in Jordan's head for weeks now, there were other things too; like how she's so fucking beautiful, not just how she looks but even in the way she thinks, and how like everything she says is the most important thing you ever heard and you have to concentrate or you'll just miss something and it was probably amazing.

Angela kissed him softly on the mouth; trying to make each of her movements deliberate. She gently parted his lips with her tongue taking in the sweetness of his mouth and the feel of her slow movements being echoed by him.

"Something smells good," Patty exclaimed as she entered the kitchen, she stopped at the sight of Jordan and Angela and were Jordan's hands up her shirt? The pair quickly broke apart; Jordan shoved his hands in his pockets and Angela became very interested in the edge of the counter. Patty stood there her mouth open slightly.

"Uh, um hello Jordan," Patty stammered and managed to force a smile, "Angela could I see you in the hall for a moment?"

_I wondered if she could tell, I wondered if there was some alarm going off in my mother's brain._

Angela jumped off the counter, brushing Jordan's arm softly as she followed her mother into the hall.

"Did you two have fun last night?" Patty asked trying to keep her voice casual.

"What? Mom sure," Angela folded her arms and tried not to think about last night, just in case her mother was suddenly physic.

"What time did you get home?"

"I dunno maybe 12," Angela lied.

"And he's here so early because?"

Angela shrugged her shoulders and couldn't think of a reason.

"Angela?"

"What?"

"He did go home didn't he?"

"What? God mom. What? You think he stayed _here_? That what, I kept him in my room all night?" Angela wished she hadn't put that idea out there.

"Okay, fine just tell him to visit you at more _appropriate _hours in the future"

Angela's mind simmered with snide come backs; was she in a prison that she required visiting hours? She bit her lip not wanting to start the fight, not wanting to accidentally reveal anything.

"Okay," Angela said trying to sound sincere.

Angela looked up at Jordan as she walked back into the kitchen and felt her face go red. Getting in trouble made her feel so much like a child and that was the last thing she wanted to seem in front of Jordan. The timer beeped on the oven; Angela felt extremely relieved for the distraction. She took the tray out and placed it on the counter.

"So, what have you got planned for the day?" Patty asked handing her daughter a plate.

Angela piled the hash browns onto the plate, grabbed the orange juice out of the fridge and pulled a couple of glasses off the shelf.

"Uh, we're gonna go eat outside," she said handing Jordan the plate and escaping out of the kitchen before she could catch her mother's eye.

"Okay," Patty said creasing her brow slightly.

Jordan gave Patty an apologetic look before he followed Angela out the door biting down on a hash brown as he went.

* * *

Angela sat cross legged on the porch seat sipping on her orange juice, she had to admit the greasy food really did hit the spot. The nervous anger that she had felt before was starting to calm down; thinking about her mother only made her think of her father and well she wasn't ready to think about him just yet. She closed her eyes and took in the moment; the warmth of the sun on her face, Jordan's touch as he traced circles around her knee, it all seemed perfect. Angela placed her glass on the ground and curled into Jordan.

"What do you think we'll do?" she asked Jordan softly.

"What do you mean?"

"You know, when we're grown up, or whatever."

Angela smiled to herself as Jordan enclosed his fingers around hers, "Whatever we want," he whispered.

Angela played with his fingers twisting the ring on his thumb and sunk further into his chest, "I just want this okay? Just this."

"Sure."

"Good," Angela yawned, "we should've done this ages ago." Jordan smiled to himself, he kissed the top of her head and gently ran his fingers through her hair. Angela felt lost in him, so safe, so at home, she closed her eyes again and sleep slowly overtook her.

Jordan could feel the slow rise and fall of her breaths, he grabbed the blanket which was hanging on the back of the seat and covered her with it. He wrapped his arms around her and kissed her hair. He never, not in a million years thought that this would be how he'd spend a Saturday morning, holding a girl, a girl he just had sex with a few hours ago and not wanting to be anywhere else. Right then, in that moment, he let himself be happy, just a bit, he let himself think that maybe this was all really his.

* * *

**And that's where I'm going to leave this story. What? you ask. There? you say. haha yes. I'm going to do a couple of epilogue chapters and then start a new story that kicks off with their junior year. **

**Stuff that still obviously needs resolving/developing: Graham knocking up Hallie, Rayanne's dad, maybe some more Brian (maybe), Cree & Shane and of course more & more Jordan & Ange :) I've got a few ideas that I'm going to set in motion as well (let me know if you have any)**

**Also sorry if you feel ripped off by my 'fade to black', don't worry there'll be more times ;)**

**Thanks so much to everyone who's been reading this and everyone who's reviewed it means so, so much. **


	19. Epilogue

**AN: Okay so I guess I owe everyone like a million apologies! So very sorry! I found it crazy hard to keep writing after I semi concluded everything, even though I promised more :( I also had a baby haha. So here's the epilogue, it's in first person cos I read somewhere that you can do that type of thing with epilogues. I have been sitting on this for ages and I'm still not totally happy with it but I hope you enjoy it all the same. It's an attempt to capture Summer break. **

The summer hung around offering us sounds of lawn mowers and hazy afternoons. I burnt my skin red one day and became obsessed with pressing my fingers into it and seeing the white fading patches that they left. Brian left this year, not for good or anything, just to visit his sister; it was still weird though watching them pack his stuff into the car. I waved as they pulled out of the driveway but I don't think he saw me.

My mother has better days now but I still wonder if it's just an act. Sometimes I'll catch her just standing in her room staring at the wallpaper. It makes me think, do I really know her? I mean she's been there my whole life and I guess I've just taken that for granted.

My birthday came in awkward disarray; I spent half the day with my mother and the other half with my father. When I finally saw that red car pull up to my house it was like my first breathe of fresh air that day. I didn't know if Jordan had gotten me a present; it was kinda hard to imagine, but just being with him getting out of my house I really didn't care.

We drove down to the park and laid out on the hood of his car. Jordan was blowing smoke into the air while I stared up at the clouds. I barely noticed when Jordan shoved his hand into his pocket, he rolled onto his side and smiled at me.

"Here," he said as he casually placed the contents of his hand in mine. I looked down at what I held; a delicate piece of leather that had two beads on it, one was red, the other blue. Perfect.

We spent most of the Summer hanging with Cree & Shane, not in a like we're this exclusive group thing or anything, but we had fun.

Cree's family was quite well off. Her room was more like her own apartment or something, which she'd half turned into an art studio. Her dad was a stockbroker and was always on the phone or at the office. Her mom was more like her; kind of soft and free spirited but also quite intense. She'd tried to make it as an author but ended up an English professor at some college.

It was the last few days break and we were sitting on Cree's back deck escaping from the sun's harsh rays for a moment. Shane was sitting up against the wall of the house and Cree was leaning up against him sitting between his legs. They were sharing a cigarette and it looked like the most natural, intimate thing in the world. Jordan was sitting on an old chair and I was on a small wooden stool next to him.

Shane reached out to an old acoustic guitar that was leaned up against the house. He grabbed it with a mischievous grin and Cree sat back so he could play.

Jordan rolled his eyes even before Shane started.

"Okay, this one goes out to all ladies," Shane laughed and Cree poked him in the ribs. He started strumming an old Johnny Cash song, which was followed by his best man in black impression. It was pretty bad.

Jordan reached over and grabbed the guitar off him.

Jordan creased his brow in thought for a moment then pulled a pick out of his pocket and started strumming a familiar sound. It was that Dinosaur Jr song he'd played it for me before, well maybe not for me but I was definitely in the vicinity. I let out a sigh as he played, he was amazing.

Cree and I clapped as he finished and Shane snorted or something. Jordan handed the guitar to Cree.

"Okay your turn," he said.

Cree's face went red as she started thumbing the strings.

"Um, okay I only know a couple of songs, so..."

She started to play a song I'd heard on the radio a few times I think it was called Marlena on the Wall. Cree started to sing the first verse and my mouth fell open, her voice was beautiful. With the way she is and all I guess I kinda always thought it would be. I could tell the boys were impressed by the way nobody moved or made a sound the whole time.

As she finished Shane was pawing at her neck with his mouth.

"Wow," I sighed.

Jordan didn't say anything.

Cree succumbed to Shane's kisses, she still looked pretty embarrassed.

"Okay, that's it," Shane said pulling her up and half carrying her off in the direction of her room.

Cree squealed and playfully punched him with her fists but she wasn't really protesting.

"They might be a while," Jordan said pulling my stool closer to him. He leant in and kissed me before sitting back and lighting up another cigarette. I watched him as he smoked and wondered what it tasted like. I absently reached my hand out for it hoping he wouldn't make a big deal but the frown that creased his brow told me I was in for no such luck.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"I dunno, I was just wondering what it's like."

He looked at me intently his brow still creased. I reached out to take it again.

"No," he said moving his hand away.

"Why?"

"Because you don't do that Angela."

"I'm just curious."

He looked at me again but this time he half smiled. He reached his hand over to me and I took the cigarette. I looked at it, all burning in my hand and the romance of fire breathing crossed my mind.

"What do I do?"

Jordan laughed, I felt embarrassed.

"You just breathe in," he said.

I put it to my lips and sucked the air through it, it tasted heavy and thick and made my eyes sting. I coughed and Jordan laughed again taking it back off me.

"Satisfied?" he asked.

I looked up at him feeling green, "how can you do that?" All the romance was gone, that was gross.

Jordan shrugged, leaned his chair back against the wall and blew smoke into the sky.

It's funny how you can find yourself loving someone more and more, like surely there should be some capacity you should reach. It's more now than just the way he leans or how he holds my face while he kisses me, it's the way I've never heard him talk bad about another person, the way that he can talk to Ricky or Brian and just the slow observant way he takes everything in like it all impacts him, like he really does care.


End file.
